Ringgren

 We can start over, whenever we want. It’s a wonderful opportunity that we have.  Taking it for granted will lead anyone down a dark path. I might not always be aware, what good I release in the world.  But I will try to savor the small moments. What else can I do to make it feel like there’s a meaning to all this madness? I don’t imagine, I’m the only one with self-doubt. In fact, I am painfully aware how it infects all of us,  at some point in our lives. I’ve gotten knocked down to size,  yet again. It hurts, more than I can describe. Maybe it is possible to get out on the other side better?  I sure hope I can do the impossible for the millionth time. That is why, this is Day One.

Sunset over my heart, A falling star that does not shine. It is like I feel swallowed by the waters. Imagining myself drowning in fire. I want to yell, I want to scream. Demand to be saved. But I can ultimately only save myself.

There are thoughts in my head that I cannot escape Thoughts that are slowly and surely making my head cave in I don't want to feel like this, like I am slipping back into the old pain. But I am. I am afraid. Afraid that I will lose myself to the old memories. Never let go of those, and never be in charge of my own life. Never accept that something has passed and new things take hold. Not able to let someone love me like they want to, for fear of being left behind. Because what if they let me believe in that love so deeply. Folding into an abyss that is vast. Like a blanket covering my eyes from the truth of what I have. I don't want to have these fears. Carry them around like a heavy backpack. Full of misery and pain. Stopping my growth and letting me fail all over again. This time, because of my own self. I am better than these thoughts, I am stronger. If I fall in too deep, that is because I want to. And I deserve to. It is all I can truly be anyway. ...

I feel like I am trapped in the wrong life, begging to be heard and felt. Wondering why I never feel safe, amongst all the strife. What would it take, to keep me from self-destructing? Against the crashing waves of pain. Are they meant to be a fight, that is never-ending? I wonder why I have these feelings, that are constantly at war. With the image that You see, and the ones I can conjure while kneeling. I give myself up to despair, hoping that I will start to heal. When there are enough holes in me, that I can start to repair. Or maybe the holes in me will give way, t o the bright soul inside? Exploding into a wonder, of stars and music which makes you sway.

You are just like me. Waiting for a moment to, grasp the eternal sunshine. Embodying the loving embrace, of life in its purest form. You are just like me. The dark circles under your eyes, fade away as love warms you up. Can't you see how much you're like me. There is never a moment where, I take for granted the love that you give. But you just have to let go of your fear, and see that I am right here. You are just like me.

There's no other way to describe it, than with three little words. He saved me. Maybe not in the traditional sense, where he comes riding in on a white horse. But with a liberating and enlightening caress. He is not my knight in shining armour, not that I would want him to be. He is just a man. That relit a flame in my heart. A flame that has slumbered, through heartbreak, breakdowns and numbing pain. A flame that, once fanned, cannot be extinguished. It's a burning, blinding, engulfing passion. He doesn't know how much it meant, but he broke down the boundary. Saved my heart, in the kindest of ways.

They say I am no longer a girl, but I guess I would rather be a woman anyway. My heart grows bolder because I sink, deep into the wonder that is my future. Not knowing where the boundaries are, but feeling like I have a way of staying above. But it is no longer a question of sinking or floating, instead I believe that I am better. In the end I can't let my reputation precede me. Good or bad, I will not be a word of mouth. When I step into your world, you won't know what hit you.

Cheated and defeated. Unloved and frustrated. That is just a few of the things I experience. I don't know what to do with myself, in this moment. Scratching an itch, didn't help. All I wanted was his embrace and smile. The one that would calm me down and take away my fears. But here I am, cheated and defeated. Unloved and frustrated. Wondering if I will ever experience, even a fraction of what I am capable of, again.

There is a mountain between me and the moment. Even though I am in it, it seems so far away. It is like an unreal fantasy. Capturing the time and whisks it away.  And there’s nothing I can do about the pain that might come. The incidents are occurring more and more often. Stealing mindful moments. Blank slates, being eaten alive by frustration. The wonder seems it has lost its power, over the many impulses of my being. I don’t see the escape in the future, nor do I see the magic in the now. I contemplate, what the point of the human condition is. Because there is only one thing that I desire, and it’s the feeling of contentment. Maybe I will never grasp happiness. Oh, what’s the point of worrying, when oblivion is settling in.

I'm seeing the flowers, like it's the first time. Their colours make my, eyes fill up with joy. Spilling over the edges. Trying to understand how. beautiful the world is. The wonder of laughter, a child can give so abundantly. A hug when they sense it is needed. It can mend even the worst days. As long as you have their love, nothing can destroy that safety, no matter how much madness there is. The world might feel cold at times, but when the chips are down, the brave ones take point. They give you a sense of normalcy. And that life will be better, and soon. Because we are inherently not selfish. I have never experienced it in times of need. I am but a single human in a sea of them, but I believe in leading by example. That is the most important thing, I have gathered from my time on this earth. Kindness is always a better choice, no matter the circumstances. World, you will not get me down.

I don't know why, but I feel so alone some times. However, yesterday, I was reminded that I am in no way alone. And that I have people rooting for me. Amazing and wonderful people. Who will go out of their way to make me a pot of important things to remember. I got one such pot yesterday. I basically knew what it was before she had fully given it to me. And I started sobbing immediately. I knew what it was, what it meant and the love was almost too much for me to handle. If that makes any sense. Crying because of pure love for someone, is incredible. It makes you feel invincible and like there is no amount of pain that could ever hurt you again. Tonight I opened and read some of the wonders that this pot had inside. I was having an anxiety attack that was coming and reading those words made it go away. Not immediately, but slowly. It also worked because, looking at it, opening it, imagining the care that went into making it makes me incredibly happy. She absolute...

I have delayed madness piling up, in a brain where I should be piling up success. I have thoughts of just not being here anymore, because it feels easier than worrying about life. I have promises in the future about happiness, and they seem unattainable and so far away. But it is not far away, it is here right now. I am alive and breathing and I am perfect. I don't have to worry about what tomorrow brings, just live in the magnificent moment of now. Because I have my will to live on my side, and there is absolutely nothing that can cripple that. So I say come on life, and let me fight you, because there is love in my heart and light.

I'm not a part of this world right now, I'm trying to hide my heart. I'm not a part of this game anymore, I'm trying to forget my pain. I'm not a part of this life no more. I just want to disappear. My mind works against me, in a stressful manner. Painting pictures with a stick of dynamite, blasting its way through all of me. It's like a disease of imperfection, dancing around in the hollowed parts of me. I'm not a part of this story anymore. I am writing myself out. Instead I will be carving my own path. One where I will fill the days with light. Because that is my magic, my wonder, my ability to turn this into a fairytale. It doesn't require much, and I find the music so sweet. So, I will float into reality, and I will smile at you again.

She stared at the words, for what seemed like an eternity. Trying to blink away the truth as her eyes scanned over something that absolutely was going to change her life. She didn't know if it was going to be for better or worse, but her heart betrayed her as it started beating faster. Words, they can convey so much and they can build you up, but they can also strip you of any dignity that you might be clinging to. They can tear away the last defence or they can build your wall even higher, making it more impenetrable, unscalable. What happens when not even your own thoughts can break through the monstrous barricade you've made? She struggles to rise from her seat, as her breath is becoming caught in her throat. The tears are falling from her eyes, and she still fails to recognise the reason for her reaction. Or maybe it is her willingness to stay unaware of what is affecting her? She moves from the chair, languish movements, as if she were struck with some form of stupef...

There's a current in my life, dragging me along to better times. Friends who corner me, and make me thrive on happiness. The rays of the sun, play with the tint of my shades and I can't stop the grin from forming, on my nude lips as I laugh. It's all about you, and the way you look at me. The way you remind my heart, that happiness isn't a crime. Driving through the green forests, with my hands out the window. I only see possibilities, and an embrace waiting at the finish line.

New year, better me. Out with the people I can't count on. In with the souls, that would do anything for me. Prayers to those who have passed from our family, and love to those who remain. I'm not perfect, I'm not even close. But I live with the intention of being kind. I might not always achieve it, but I will never stop striving. Because if I can't find kindness in my heart, what is there to build on? Some days I feel misplaced in this world, like I don't belong, that my passion is alien. I pray every day, that I find my place. Maybe this year, it will finally be my turn.

It doesn't matter, how many times, I tell myself to stop. The feelings keep, piling on and on. It's like a, never ending carousel. Of whirls and whisks, that take me on a ride. I just want it to stop. I feel fulfilled, and yet I don't. I feel satiated, and yet I crave. I feel whole and incomplete. Will it ever make sense? Will the pain ever ease? Will the mind ever quiet? Or will I forever, be tormented by my past? It's not my finest hour, or my darkest one. But it's a moment, marred by wishes, that never come true. I wish I could stop, the things I so crave. They are not mine to covet, or mine to wish for. And yet here I pray. I doubt anyone notices. I've become skilled, at hiding my aches. So until someone asks, I will continue to pretend.

I feel an absence of words, in this moment of pain. The blog will be silent for a little while longer than I really expected. Hope to be back soon.

When I told you not to call anymore, it was not a suggestion, it was an order. You seemed to forget all the horrors, that you inflicted on me. Too bad, that I don't forget, even though I have forgiven. Your face when I told you to go, was my vindication. It reaffirmed that I had changed, and my strength had taken hold. I don't think you expected, that I could finally fight back. The tears did not mean that you had won, they were a testament to, what I had forgiven and let go of. The anxious nights and the fear. The absolute paralyzing jealousy, when you once again lied to my face. I still do not understand, why you wanted to hurt me. All I ever did was love, a man that did not have a soul. You can't change a Devil, posing as an Angel. To this day, I struggle with the why's. Why you pushed me to the edge, why you acknowledged you were bad for me, and still kept pressuring for more. I guess, I learned the grea...

Following the right path, is as easy as, trying to tie my shoelace, when I'm drunk. There's no map, no signs, that will guide me. It's a trial and error, that leaves me stumbling. But I'm not drunk, not even close, I wish I hadn't sworn it off, it could help right now.