Ringgren

 We can start over, whenever we want. It’s a wonderful opportunity that we have.  Taking it for granted will lead anyone down a dark path. I might not always be aware, what good I release in the world.  But I will try to savor the small moments. What else can I do to make it feel like there’s a meaning to all this madness? I don’t imagine, I’m the only one with self-doubt. In fact, I am painfully aware how it infects all of us,  at some point in our lives. I’ve gotten knocked down to size,  yet again. It hurts, more than I can describe. Maybe it is possible to get out on the other side better?  I sure hope I can do the impossible for the millionth time. That is why, this is Day One.

There are thoughts in my head that I cannot escape Thoughts that are slowly and surely making my head cave in I don't want to feel like this, like I am slipping back into the old pain. But I am. I am afraid. Afraid that I will lose myself to the old memories. Never let go of those, and never be in charge of my own life. Never accept that something has passed and new things take hold. Not able to let someone love me like they want to, for fear of being left behind. Because what if they let me believe in that love so deeply. Folding into an abyss that is vast. Like a blanket covering my eyes from the truth of what I have. I don't want to have these fears. Carry them around like a heavy backpack. Full of misery and pain. Stopping my growth and letting me fail all over again. This time, because of my own self. I am better than these thoughts, I am stronger. If I fall in too deep, that is because I want to. And I deserve to. It is all I can truly be anyway. ...

Looking in, seeing wonders. Stars and gold flecks sparkle. Twinkles in your eyes. There's another world in there. A calmer one, that makes you smile. It reflects your love, knowing that you exist. Exhaling in one long breath. The warmth of your being, makes the room heat up. There is peace in this moment. A mirror, a representation of you. It is magic.

The thought of chasing Freedom forever, made him want to scream. His craving for her, was never ending. He would do anything. Just to see her teeth bared in a smile, would light up everything. He could not fathom the silence, that settled her nerves so easily. He could hear pins drop, and it was at times, deafening. Her mere presence was made of stars and gold, glittering in an endless space of wonder. Heart aflutter with passion and fear, fear that his love could disappear from his life. Becoming a mirage, dissolving in the desert of his pain. The golden and magic tendrils of her hair, spinning around his finger with ease. The sweet scent of her essence, filling every part of his being. There had never been anyone like her, in this life or the next. And she was his, not a possession, because one could not own such a creature. But her heart picked a slower pace, around him. A calm instilled in her in his presence. And as he cradled her in his arms that...

There's no other way to describe it, than with three little words. He saved me. Maybe not in the traditional sense, where he comes riding in on a white horse. But with a liberating and enlightening caress. He is not my knight in shining armour, not that I would want him to be. He is just a man. That relit a flame in my heart. A flame that has slumbered, through heartbreak, breakdowns and numbing pain. A flame that, once fanned, cannot be extinguished. It's a burning, blinding, engulfing passion. He doesn't know how much it meant, but he broke down the boundary. Saved my heart, in the kindest of ways.

They say I am no longer a girl, but I guess I would rather be a woman anyway. My heart grows bolder because I sink, deep into the wonder that is my future. Not knowing where the boundaries are, but feeling like I have a way of staying above. But it is no longer a question of sinking or floating, instead I believe that I am better. In the end I can't let my reputation precede me. Good or bad, I will not be a word of mouth. When I step into your world, you won't know what hit you.

I don't know why, but I feel so alone some times. However, yesterday, I was reminded that I am in no way alone. And that I have people rooting for me. Amazing and wonderful people. Who will go out of their way to make me a pot of important things to remember. I got one such pot yesterday. I basically knew what it was before she had fully given it to me. And I started sobbing immediately. I knew what it was, what it meant and the love was almost too much for me to handle. If that makes any sense. Crying because of pure love for someone, is incredible. It makes you feel invincible and like there is no amount of pain that could ever hurt you again. Tonight I opened and read some of the wonders that this pot had inside. I was having an anxiety attack that was coming and reading those words made it go away. Not immediately, but slowly. It also worked because, looking at it, opening it, imagining the care that went into making it makes me incredibly happy. She absolute...

There is no pain that I can't endure any more. I am stronger than the thoughts that try to scare me. Because I have the grace of God on my side.

Brain is going a hundred miles a minute, makes me feel like I'm going crazy. It's a monster that I have lost control over, and it scares me indescribably so. There is no point in me ruining my head. Over something that is useless. I need to get my head checked for being, in a state of perpetual fear. I am afraid, of everything around me. Afraid of losing the life I have. But more than that, my future. I will prevail over this, this will not be my downfall. My mind is waging a war, but I will win every battle.

All the anxiety disappears as quickly as it appeared. The twist around my head starts loosening its grip. The breathing starts to calm down, this is just life, it is not a fight or flight moment. The nervousness flows out through my steady breaths. The feeling that lingers is only peace. Knowing that God has my heart accounted for, and His peace is everlasting. He guides and protects me on my journey, and He lingers in every choice that I make. Good or bad, He does not condemn, for it is his eternal Grace that has put us here. To embrace and give light, that is my purpose. In whatever medium I choose to express it, there it will bring the most change. No matter what my past has been, there is a way to release the pain of it. It can help define us, but it shall not be our essence. We are more than our mistakes. And even more important, we are not only our victories. There is so much more than winners and losers. The glory is not the hunt for perfection, ...

When I told you not to call anymore, it was not a suggestion, it was an order. You seemed to forget all the horrors, that you inflicted on me. Too bad, that I don't forget, even though I have forgiven. Your face when I told you to go, was my vindication. It reaffirmed that I had changed, and my strength had taken hold. I don't think you expected, that I could finally fight back. The tears did not mean that you had won, they were a testament to, what I had forgiven and let go of. The anxious nights and the fear. The absolute paralyzing jealousy, when you once again lied to my face. I still do not understand, why you wanted to hurt me. All I ever did was love, a man that did not have a soul. You can't change a Devil, posing as an Angel. To this day, I struggle with the why's. Why you pushed me to the edge, why you acknowledged you were bad for me, and still kept pressuring for more. I guess, I learned the grea...

I took this trip, to remind myself, why I am breathing. I left you behind, to remind myself, that I don't need you. I lived this adventure, to remind myself, that I am strong. I came back, to remind myself, that I don't have to run.

It's the way the light falls, on my face when the sun sets. It's the way the rain falls, and the pain washes away. It's the way the peace fills, my entire soul. It is Your grace. It's the way I stumble, and how You pick me up. It's the way I call to You, and how You listen. It's the way I put my trust, in Your word. It is Your grace. Closer and closer I come, to the purest light of all. Guiding me with love, and securing my faith. For it is the greatest thing, a love that is without bounds. It is Your grace. In my darkest hours, Your light shines. For if it were not for You, my heart would be broken. Not just now, but eternally, yet here I am, whole. It is Your grace. Thankful I am, for the patience, and the never ending strength. For the wonder that is Your love, and the way it helps. I will spend my days, singing Your praise. It. Is. Your. Grace.

The ties you make in life are important to your growth. However, if it is no longer inspiring positivity, make sure to untie yourself from that connection. It will only hold you back if you let it.

You smile at me as I stumble to bed, I have had too much to drink. You find me adorable, as I try to settle under the covers. Your laugh calms my racing heartbeat, I know you will take care of me. Even when I deserve, whatever I am putting myself through.

There is something inherently wonderful about life. It is right there, for your taking and you have the opportunity to shape it how you see fit. Life is also very precious and for the first time, in my life I believe, I see the world around me as a much more uplifting place. Sure, there are still awful things happening, as injustice, racism, war and discrimination. I however, have chosen to look at life in a different way at this point in my life. I do not claim to be an inventor of this, yet I think a lot of people today could benefit from seeing the words in "print", and reflect about their daily adventures on this wonderful planet of ours. It is far too easy to give up. Yes, I know this seems entirely contradictory because, existing without any hopes for the future seems much more "doable". Giving up and ceasing to exist would require you to take action, yet to me it is the ultimate betrayal of the people who hold you dear. Unless, you are an insufferable idi...

Ready to conquer the fire and the rain ready to bleed for what I became. Laying my head on the altar of desire, I wish that heaven would grant me my wire. On which I rise out of the ashes, like a Phoenix, brutal but inherently brave.

I wrote this sentence earlier on twitter: "Even as the darkness creeps into my eyes, I refuse to let it color my view." It wasn't until a bit later this evening that I wondered what I had actually meant by it. See, usually when I write stuff like that, it's coming from some kind of experience I've had that day. Yet, this particular quote or sentence just came really organically. I thought of the word, refuse, and built a sentence around it. I like it because it speaks to the world as it is. I think we are all capable of dark and gloomy things, however, some chose to go on another path. I do believe completely that we are all capable of evil. Some people find they have no choice but to give in, while others have experienced pain themselves and would therefore never inflict that pain on anyone else. I always say that my experiences as a kid being bullied, have shaped me into the person that I am today, and trust me, I actually appreciate those experie...

I struggle with anger. I am working on it, but it is hard, very hard. Daily I struggle with reacting to difficult situations without anger. Anger is a dangerous road, because it leads you to really dark places, and I really do not want to walk those paths any more. I want to be happy and embrace the wonderful things life has to offer, and not be tied down by venomous anger in my veins. Today I had this opportunity to be vengeful and angry, but I realized that it wouldn't make the situation less terrible, perhaps it would even make things more frustrating. So...I let it go and it felt great. There's so much pain and sadness in the world, no point in making it worse and adding to all the heartache. I'd rather spend my time, doing wonderful things for the people that I love.

--- Did a flash writing exercise with a friend, about a subject we've both dealt with. Essentially we took 10 minutes on a clock and wrote about "anxiety". I wanted to share mine. --- Imagine a clamp on your head, tightening with every breath that you take. The more you walk around, the worse it gets. You try to calm your breathing and think of nice things, but every image behind your closed eyelids is always the same. You freak out because your world becomes smaller. The path on which you walk becomes narrower. Your stomach churns as you try to understand what is causing this in you. Was it something someone said? Did you step on someone today that made them feel lesser than themselves? Why do you cower in front of everyone so that you cannot shine like the beacon you are? Why don’t you trust yourself? You know you have stuff to do? A life to live and celebrate. Why don’t you go do it? Why do you stay here and hide in the darkness, behind your computer screen whe...