Ringgren

I don't know why, but I feel so alone some times. However, yesterday, I was reminded that I am in no way alone. And that I have people rooting for me. Amazing and wonderful people. Who will go out of their way to make me a pot of important things to remember. I got one such pot yesterday. I basically knew what it was before she had fully given it to me. And I started sobbing immediately. I knew what it was, what it meant and the love was almost too much for me to handle. If that makes any sense. Crying because of pure love for someone, is incredible. It makes you feel invincible and like there is no amount of pain that could ever hurt you again. Tonight I opened and read some of the wonders that this pot had inside. I was having an anxiety attack that was coming and reading those words made it go away. Not immediately, but slowly. It also worked because, looking at it, opening it, imagining the care that went into making it makes me incredibly happy. She absolute...

I have delayed madness piling up, in a brain where I should be piling up success. I have thoughts of just not being here anymore, because it feels easier than worrying about life. I have promises in the future about happiness, and they seem unattainable and so far away. But it is not far away, it is here right now. I am alive and breathing and I am perfect. I don't have to worry about what tomorrow brings, just live in the magnificent moment of now. Because I have my will to live on my side, and there is absolutely nothing that can cripple that. So I say come on life, and let me fight you, because there is love in my heart and light.

You make it look so easy, you make it look, like you're in love. How do you lie, with such ease? How do you turn my world around, with just one smile? You make it look so sweet, you make it look, like you're in love. Why do you perform, this charade of lies? How do you turn my world upside down, with just one kiss? It's just the pain speaking, wondering, hoping, that there is some truth left. Picking up the pieces, when you shatter them again. I just look towards the sunset, imagining your arms around me, breathing in the warmth of us. Knowing that, it will be a part, that I won't be able to play. I hope I can let you go eventually.

It's not the way you used to touch me, it's the way, you've given up. It's not the way you kissed me, it's the certainty, that it's not enough. You play your games, around my heart, and I'm back at the start. Trying to push and pull, and you're refusing, to even let it move. Back or forth, it's the same pain. Especially when it is in vain. I'm giving in. I've had enough. So, stop loving me, even if it's tough. Because you can love someone new, just as well as I can do. So, let me leave and move on, and I can start listening to another song.

His eyes twinkled as he walked across, the fresh snow that covered his garden. His haven of peace and tranquility. It was a transcendent feeling, as the snowflakes whirled around him. The cold turned his breath into crystals, and his hands started to shake. Yet he never wanted to leave, the white silence of this treasured place. His thoughts however wandered while strolling. To a time where the sun shined, and his laughter was not a lost memory. To a place where he twirled with another, in moments of embraced intimacy. His heart ached at the recollection. The winter was kinder to him, quieter and did not remember. It was like a blanket over the past, and a shield against the hurt. But somehow it was failing him. Images of her golden dress, that glistened in the never ending sunlight, captured his mind and his heart. He had fought so hard to forget, though it was all but a charade. When his guard was down. His heart was unprotected, and the light flooded ...

It doesn't matter, how many times, I tell myself to stop. The feelings keep, piling on and on. It's like a, never ending carousel. Of whirls and whisks, that take me on a ride. I just want it to stop. I feel fulfilled, and yet I don't. I feel satiated, and yet I crave. I feel whole and incomplete. Will it ever make sense? Will the pain ever ease? Will the mind ever quiet? Or will I forever, be tormented by my past? It's not my finest hour, or my darkest one. But it's a moment, marred by wishes, that never come true. I wish I could stop, the things I so crave. They are not mine to covet, or mine to wish for. And yet here I pray. I doubt anyone notices. I've become skilled, at hiding my aches. So until someone asks, I will continue to pretend.

Black smiles, dark hearts. They grin, and revel. I shake, cower alone. Oceans collide, waves swallow. Lying down, embracing empty.

We tried, we give it our all. We made the effort, we had the right intentions. We did the therapy, but our scars never healed. We didn't do anything wrong. We talked till the sun came up, danced around the emptiness, that grew ever larger. Our wishes were not granted. I hope you can forgive, me as well as yourself. All I ever wanted, was for you to be happy. I did everything in my power. I still love you as much as I did then, but some times love is not enough. We wanted different things, craved different lives. I don't resent you for it. I hope you can move on, and think of our love, as a triumphant chapter. Because you deserve, a transcendent happiness. I remember when, you slept in my bed for the first time. How you curled in the sheets, and pressed your eyes closed, at the invading sunlight. I remember the day, you said you loved me. How your lips curled, and you took my breath away. I will never forget your light. Our book has come...

Can't seem to care about you like I want to. We are no longer. It doesn't hurt. I worry I have lost my sensibilities. My empathy, my love. All that seems to be left is sadness. A deep dark hole that mocks you, leaves  you breathless. Love is never jealous.

When I am silent, that is when you should fear me the most. Though I betray myself by giving in too easily. If by some miracle the loaded gun in my hand should fail to fire, rest assured, I will embrace the sign. My hands tremble. My heart races. *bang*

Here's two pictures for you guys. My actual x-rays from when I was brought in to the clinic and got my shoulder put back into place! The body is such an amazing instrument. To think, they can pop your shoulder back in like that. Petty flippin' awesome. First here's one where my shoulder is clearly not where it should be. And then, with a little tug and pull. This next thing happened. Simply amazing!!! Stay safe.