Ringgren

 We can start over, whenever we want. It’s a wonderful opportunity that we have.  Taking it for granted will lead anyone down a dark path. I might not always be aware, what good I release in the world.  But I will try to savor the small moments. What else can I do to make it feel like there’s a meaning to all this madness? I don’t imagine, I’m the only one with self-doubt. In fact, I am painfully aware how it infects all of us,  at some point in our lives. I’ve gotten knocked down to size,  yet again. It hurts, more than I can describe. Maybe it is possible to get out on the other side better?  I sure hope I can do the impossible for the millionth time. That is why, this is Day One.

There are thoughts in my head that I cannot escape Thoughts that are slowly and surely making my head cave in I don't want to feel like this, like I am slipping back into the old pain. But I am. I am afraid. Afraid that I will lose myself to the old memories. Never let go of those, and never be in charge of my own life. Never accept that something has passed and new things take hold. Not able to let someone love me like they want to, for fear of being left behind. Because what if they let me believe in that love so deeply. Folding into an abyss that is vast. Like a blanket covering my eyes from the truth of what I have. I don't want to have these fears. Carry them around like a heavy backpack. Full of misery and pain. Stopping my growth and letting me fail all over again. This time, because of my own self. I am better than these thoughts, I am stronger. If I fall in too deep, that is because I want to. And I deserve to. It is all I can truly be anyway. ...

Quiet nights, stolen moments. Wondrous feelings I, spent a lifetime, chasing down the roads of imperfection. I put my arms, around your shoulders. Breathing in your light. Feel like I am finally losing, the grip on my unhappiness. You had your way, I found a lesson in your embrace. There's a lifetime of knowledge, and magic to your name. So I sway to the music, of your sweet voice. The soft tendrils of its tune, sings me to sleep. I am loved and enveloped, by your smile, thankfully I can stay here for a while.

Looking in, seeing wonders. Stars and gold flecks sparkle. Twinkles in your eyes. There's another world in there. A calmer one, that makes you smile. It reflects your love, knowing that you exist. Exhaling in one long breath. The warmth of your being, makes the room heat up. There is peace in this moment. A mirror, a representation of you. It is magic.

There's no other way to describe it, than with three little words. He saved me. Maybe not in the traditional sense, where he comes riding in on a white horse. But with a liberating and enlightening caress. He is not my knight in shining armour, not that I would want him to be. He is just a man. That relit a flame in my heart. A flame that has slumbered, through heartbreak, breakdowns and numbing pain. A flame that, once fanned, cannot be extinguished. It's a burning, blinding, engulfing passion. He doesn't know how much it meant, but he broke down the boundary. Saved my heart, in the kindest of ways.

They say I am no longer a girl, but I guess I would rather be a woman anyway. My heart grows bolder because I sink, deep into the wonder that is my future. Not knowing where the boundaries are, but feeling like I have a way of staying above. But it is no longer a question of sinking or floating, instead I believe that I am better. In the end I can't let my reputation precede me. Good or bad, I will not be a word of mouth. When I step into your world, you won't know what hit you.

There is a mountain between me and the moment. Even though I am in it, it seems so far away. It is like an unreal fantasy. Capturing the time and whisks it away.  And there’s nothing I can do about the pain that might come. The incidents are occurring more and more often. Stealing mindful moments. Blank slates, being eaten alive by frustration. The wonder seems it has lost its power, over the many impulses of my being. I don’t see the escape in the future, nor do I see the magic in the now. I contemplate, what the point of the human condition is. Because there is only one thing that I desire, and it’s the feeling of contentment. Maybe I will never grasp happiness. Oh, what’s the point of worrying, when oblivion is settling in.

I'm seeing the flowers, like it's the first time. Their colours make my, eyes fill up with joy. Spilling over the edges. Trying to understand how. beautiful the world is. The wonder of laughter, a child can give so abundantly. A hug when they sense it is needed. It can mend even the worst days. As long as you have their love, nothing can destroy that safety, no matter how much madness there is. The world might feel cold at times, but when the chips are down, the brave ones take point. They give you a sense of normalcy. And that life will be better, and soon. Because we are inherently not selfish. I have never experienced it in times of need. I am but a single human in a sea of them, but I believe in leading by example. That is the most important thing, I have gathered from my time on this earth. Kindness is always a better choice, no matter the circumstances. World, you will not get me down.

New year, better me. Out with the people I can't count on. In with the souls, that would do anything for me. Prayers to those who have passed from our family, and love to those who remain. I'm not perfect, I'm not even close. But I live with the intention of being kind. I might not always achieve it, but I will never stop striving. Because if I can't find kindness in my heart, what is there to build on? Some days I feel misplaced in this world, like I don't belong, that my passion is alien. I pray every day, that I find my place. Maybe this year, it will finally be my turn.

The way he stares, gives me chills. His mouth lingers, above my lips. It would be so easy, to steal the last inch. The wine I had, makes my heart race. He seems unaffected, by my catching breath. His eyes flutter closed, and we connect. The urgency in his movement, makes me feel invincible. His fingers explore, corners and curves. I wonder if, he knows I'm in love. I try not to think about, the feel of the wall behind me. Only his frame against mine, and how it makes me feel whole. I open my eyes, and take in his soul. I never thought, I would be so lucky. To meet a man, who could make me happy. And fill a void, I didn't know was empty. The touch of his lips, makes me quiver. It's like he pulled, on the perfect lever. Filling my heart, with a feeling of forever. He let's go, and my heart stops. He whispers, just three words. The world starts spinning, and I'm standing there grinning. "I love you too", and h...

Sweeping mountains, breathtaking rivers. Flecks of golden fog, crowning the sleeping. Those rare moments, that make me aware, of how life can be, inherently beautiful.

The clothes still smelled like you, the scent that meant you had slept in them. A mix of unspoken dreams, and a warm embrace. I could feel myself leaning into it. Soaking in the hours in bed, that we had spent curled together. Entwined in a desperate prayer. I had this dream once, kids running between our legs. Laughter ringing through our house, but now all I have are clothes.

I don't trust myself with you. Your eyes give me a million reasons, to run as far away as I can. Yet your words try to win me over. I don't trust myself with you. If I gave in, you would consume me. Eat me raw and leave the remains. Since I never take the reigns. I don't trust myself with you. Because you speak of your past,  as if you are proud of the broken pieces. Your battle wounds, a prize. I don't trust myself with you. With one embrace, you could break my will. I would fall and splinter. I don't trust myself. Because in my heart, I love the way you used to be. Willing, to fall...for me.

The ties you make in life are important to your growth. However, if it is no longer inspiring positivity, make sure to untie yourself from that connection. It will only hold you back if you let it.

The window to the terrace is open to let the breeze fill my room. The melodious Sam Smith, is filling me with wanting feelings. His voice so tangible with pain, that I feel breathless. I can't feel my fingers, as they grip my sheets in anger. Feeling overwhelmed. The pressure in my head, is threatening to kill my sanity. Don't let this be the end. The moon is gleaming patiently, over the sleeping city. Tomorrow is another day, filled with longing looks and sighs. Wanting to give you that missing piece, the one you've waited for. Please don't break my heart, it's fragile and it's yours. I don't trust myself enough, to stop me from falling. All it takes is a breath from your lips, and I crumble, down, down down. I want to lay with you in the sand, entwining my legs with yours. Breathe that warm scent of skin, that only the July sun can bring. My feelings are not yours to take, but mine to give. I am fragile.

The butterflies above her head, remind her of fairies. She prays every night for wings. I have not the heart to tell her they're not real. I see her beautiful eyes, begging for an answer.  I catch myself, before a white lie escapes. It will only confuse her. She is five, an impressionable age. I want to protect her, from disappointments, the wonderful fantasies. She falls asleep, I hear her silent breaths, praying for the fairies to come. Even in dreams, she wishes to fly away. She is my family, and I treasure her. If I could magically grant her wishes, she would be taking flight. For now, I'll dream with her.

Downing another shot, drowning another dream. Her mind spinning circles,  of tales once forgotten. Angry screams, her spine shivers with fear. Because there once was a man, who whispered lies into her ear. Ripping into her soul, the nightmares keep coming. Sheets soaking wet, but she's supposed to be safe here. Rising from the torment, she moves around in a daze. Sipping that third drink,  while the enemy is in her head. The sweet release of morning, she sees the sunrise coming. The horizon a golden promise, of nightmares soon forgotten.

It becomes clear, that the light is my friend. Bringing with it memories of summers spent in shallow water. Sun engulfing my skin, heating it up. Freckles sprinkled across my features, tanned spots of summer. I revel in the water lapping at my feet, caressing my toes with cool waves of blue. The air is lighter than I remember, and the possibilities are endless. Birds in the distance, kids walking with dripping ice cream cones. I know that summer is fleeting, yet it seems never ending in this moment. The memories crashing into me, like the ocean used to.

There is something inherently wonderful about life. It is right there, for your taking and you have the opportunity to shape it how you see fit. Life is also very precious and for the first time, in my life I believe, I see the world around me as a much more uplifting place. Sure, there are still awful things happening, as injustice, racism, war and discrimination. I however, have chosen to look at life in a different way at this point in my life. I do not claim to be an inventor of this, yet I think a lot of people today could benefit from seeing the words in "print", and reflect about their daily adventures on this wonderful planet of ours. It is far too easy to give up. Yes, I know this seems entirely contradictory because, existing without any hopes for the future seems much more "doable". Giving up and ceasing to exist would require you to take action, yet to me it is the ultimate betrayal of the people who hold you dear. Unless, you are an insufferable idi...

I cannot seem to comprehend fully, how he, enthralls me so. The wondrous locks of his hair play with my mind. In his eyes I see something. A glimmer of an otherworldly love. Compassion so tangible, that I wonder how he even exists, in this world brimming of unmistakeable sadness. The caress of his hand as he looks into my eyes, sparks a chain reaction that sends shivers down my spine. My body is tuned into his every touch. His lips, where I have rested my gaze, look as soft as a summers breeze. He licks them, not in anticipation of me claiming them, but because he wonders how he can tell me of his hopes for us. Grabbing my hands and holding them close to his chest, I feel his heartbeat racing. He asks for me to look at him, feel him, understand the sincerity behind his words as they pour from him in controlled urgency. "I have to say this before my courage fails me. I love you...with all I have to give. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"