Ringgren

 We can start over, whenever we want. It’s a wonderful opportunity that we have.  Taking it for granted will lead anyone down a dark path. I might not always be aware, what good I release in the world.  But I will try to savor the small moments. What else can I do to make it feel like there’s a meaning to all this madness? I don’t imagine, I’m the only one with self-doubt. In fact, I am painfully aware how it infects all of us,  at some point in our lives. I’ve gotten knocked down to size,  yet again. It hurts, more than I can describe. Maybe it is possible to get out on the other side better?  I sure hope I can do the impossible for the millionth time. That is why, this is Day One.

He struck the match, against the dark box. The stench of gasoline  permeated the air, and he felt the darkness stir, while perusing the interior. The memories, almost a fantasy he couldn't recall, for he no longer felt a bond. The match burned, while he contemplated. He no longer felt human. As the match's flame withered, he discarded it in anger. Why had he hesitated, doing something, he knew was unavoidable. Surely he had the guts. Bringing out a second, he felt the warmth as the flame blossomed. His heart beat faster, and the gasoline stench had become intolerable. This was the end. He flung the burning match into the vast darkness of the living room. In seconds all he could see was a blinding white fury. Tears pressed in the corner of his eyes and he felt his insides starting to convulse. Backing out slowly, he watched as the flames engulfed the only place he'd called home. In his pocket a picture of Her, his tears ran fre...

In the midst of it all, there I am. Staring blankly out, at the mist covered garden. The poppies are burdened with morning dew, and the trees sway silently in the wind. I feel far away, yet I am as close to the wound as I can be. Beside me I feel a vacuum, an empty space where you used to be. The pain is ever as fresh. though my scar has healed. I do not think I shall ever, know the peace of rain again.

As the rain started pouring down outside his window so did the tears that finally escaped his eyes, salty water cascading down his cheeks, while his lungs felt heavy, making it hard to breathe. He had no idea why the tears were finally coming, but he was relieved. His heart had been heavy for months, until this very moment where he finally let go of the pain and revel in what had actually happened. His wife was sleeping in their bed peacefully, but he could just not find peace so he’d gotten up to walk around their room a bit, finally settling at the desk in front of the large window overlooking the garden. His eyes scanned the dimmed morning view, it was early in the am and he had hardly slept at all. His eyes wandered to the swing set at the far end, he felt the tears well up against him. His heart started beating faster as his breath caught in his throat. His pain turned angry, angry at the world, himself and that swing set. Rising from the desk he grabbed a sweatshirt and ...

Even now, twelve years later, I'm reminded of you when a certain scent hits me. It never fails to break my heart.

Is it growing up to realize that not everyone has your best interest at heart? Knowing that people will be your friends and then later the friendship might falter? Looking inside your heart and knowing that life will never be the same - it will always be full of changes and new things? Not even if you tried could you stop your life from changing. Even if you were a hermit never coming outside or speaking to people, stuff would still happen that would make the day a little different than the last. I guess coming to terms with this fact makes it somehow easier to accept that things change. People disappear from your life or enter it. Nothing lasts forever, and why would you really want it to? Okay, except for some things like marrying the person you love, keeping that one friend who's always been by your side, there can be no growth if nothing ever changes. So embrace the changes. I for one know that changes are good things, if you treat them as such. I decided long ago that I wa...