Ringgren

Cheated and defeated. Unloved and frustrated. That is just a few of the things I experience. I don't know what to do with myself, in this moment. Scratching an itch, didn't help. All I wanted was his embrace and smile. The one that would calm me down and take away my fears. But here I am, cheated and defeated. Unloved and frustrated. Wondering if I will ever experience, even a fraction of what I am capable of, again.

There is no pain that I can't endure any more. I am stronger than the thoughts that try to scare me. Because I have the grace of God on my side.

Can't you just imagine the look I'd give you if you touched, that piece where all my darkest moments have been kept in silence. I wonder what the release would feel like, and if it would explode? Burst into a million bright coloured sparkles that make you smile. Even if they are the worst parts of me, releasing them would give me the courage to smile back at you. I've seen the way you light up at my grin, and all I really want is to see that face again. So, come with me and break into that dark chamber, forgive my hardest choices and I'll forgive yours. Because it's not about our past mistakes, but our future compromises that melts and breaks down any wall. Mine have been built over the years and the concrete, seems hardened to the point of being impenetrable. But I know, I just know, your smile could make them crumble.

I am slowly losing my mind, wading into the deep abyss.

Salty drops of pain, cascading down my face. Bitter memories, forcing them to fall. Wiping at them forcibly, an attempt at forgetting. It fails.

I didn't think I would feel this way. Didn't think I would be able to. Expecting to never trust, then throwing caution to the wind. Just something I can't control. It might be a disaster, but I would rather feel pain, than another day of nothing. So, here I am, trying from the beginning.

If you can fail, and admit it. That is half the battle. Next time, just do better instead.

The dark cries rip across the sky, he cowers under the bridge in fear. They are close but have not found him. They take humans, use them.  He knows when the night goes dark, he needs to run for his shelter. They took Her last week. He didn't sleep for two days, his heart was broken. As he peers beyond the city's limits, he feels the helplessness fill him. Without Her, he is nothing. The purge began three years ago. Nobody knows why, but humans are endangered. A second wave, of painful screams flood his ears. He needs to move. The sky is clear and he runs for it. His shelter is close,  and it's all he has left. A half hour later he's inside. The scent of her still fills the room. He lies down on her bed. The blanket smells of lilies, and he manages a smile. Why didn't they take him? As he sits up, he grabs the gun he's been saving. He's decided. He will try and fight for her. S...

The world around me marches on, while I wait patiently in my tower. One from which I can observe, but never join in. I see the curve of children's lips, expressing that they are happy. I wish I could embrace the laughter, as easily as they seem to do. My tower is dark and cold, yet I try to bring joy to it. A fire crackles gently in my fireplace, and I take in the warm flames. Now the snow is falling in blankets, and I curl into a ball on my bed. Tomorrow is my birthday, perhaps I'll be free by then.

The way the waves crash in the bay, makes my heart weary. I am afraid of the water, and its unpredictable nature. Just like he makes me feel. Unpredictable and unreliable. Maybe that is what keeps me coming back for more. I study the white foam lapping at the shore. I wish I could be swept away, in the timeless waters. Disappear in the breeze, as the summer rain cleanses. You let me down again, and I seem to only, be able to wish for more. I had a dream about you. That's why I'm standing here, hoping the water takes me away. I find it hard enough, to breathe when you're not here, haunting my dreams is crippling. I wade into the ocean, and dissolve into nothing.

The butterflies above her head, remind her of fairies. She prays every night for wings. I have not the heart to tell her they're not real. I see her beautiful eyes, begging for an answer.  I catch myself, before a white lie escapes. It will only confuse her. She is five, an impressionable age. I want to protect her, from disappointments, the wonderful fantasies. She falls asleep, I hear her silent breaths, praying for the fairies to come. Even in dreams, she wishes to fly away. She is my family, and I treasure her. If I could magically grant her wishes, she would be taking flight. For now, I'll dream with her.

I didn't find an answer to your question. I wish I could give you the truth, if it could spill easily from my soul. But it won't. I don't work that way. The walls of the chambers of my heart are not easily affected. They are tough, hardened, from continual abuse. The walls protect my essence. What there's left of it. I treasure those last pieces and I cannot let them be compromised. I wish I could give you an honest answer. I hope you will wait for it. I cannot promise it will be quickly, or without work. But I feel confident in saying, that it will be worth it. Remember when you looked into my eyes last summer and told me you loved me? That moment is in there, held in a special place where the sun shines as it did on that day. You didn't expect anything in return. Patience, something I've always felt I was lacking, has come to me in spades since I met you. I will fight for this. **fictional piece**

A fog bank, a lonely road. High beams trying, to break up the mist. I am scared, of my own clouds. They terrify my mind.

I wonder most days, how the air can still fill my lungs. How the sunshine still reach past my darkened heart. Why the memory of a smile is all I have left. And the tears have stopped flowing.

She had lived a life where she felt everything was possible. Marrying him and having their children, was neither a scary thought nor an impossible one. She saw a loving future when looking into his eyes. She saw happiness, a little boy and girl crawling into his lap while he read them stories that he himself had heard when he was a kid. His loving embrace as he put the kids to sleep and kissed them on the forehead, telling them that they should never stop dreaming and that he loved them with every ounce of his heart. The wonderful sparkle that his eyes possessed as she would lie next to him and he told her how much he loved her. Those were the only things that raced through her mind, she had found her rock. She finally understood the silly love songs she would blast in her teenage room while dreaming of meeting Mr. Right. He had come to her… At least that is what she had thought for so long. She had felt so safe, so secure in their love, but it would prove to be just a silly fanta...

It is the weirdest of times, life moving on while you watch it flow past in waves that slowly but surely take you on a steady path. Yet other times a wave crashes into you with such a force that you lose your footing, forget where you are going and make mistakes. As I stand on the lonely pier, I look towards the sunset and wonder why the waves have left me standing, when all I wanted was to be swept up into the crashing and empty waters. I feel the sun is mocking me with its perfect rays that touch the calm water in front of me. I want to drown in its beauty.

I fill my life with meaningless chatter to drown out the emptiness.