Ringgren

There are thoughts in my head that I cannot escape Thoughts that are slowly and surely making my head cave in I don't want to feel like this, like I am slipping back into the old pain. But I am. I am afraid. Afraid that I will lose myself to the old memories. Never let go of those, and never be in charge of my own life. Never accept that something has passed and new things take hold. Not able to let someone love me like they want to, for fear of being left behind. Because what if they let me believe in that love so deeply. Folding into an abyss that is vast. Like a blanket covering my eyes from the truth of what I have. I don't want to have these fears. Carry them around like a heavy backpack. Full of misery and pain. Stopping my growth and letting me fail all over again. This time, because of my own self. I am better than these thoughts, I am stronger. If I fall in too deep, that is because I want to. And I deserve to. It is all I can truly be anyway. ...

I don't know why, but I feel so alone some times. However, yesterday, I was reminded that I am in no way alone. And that I have people rooting for me. Amazing and wonderful people. Who will go out of their way to make me a pot of important things to remember. I got one such pot yesterday. I basically knew what it was before she had fully given it to me. And I started sobbing immediately. I knew what it was, what it meant and the love was almost too much for me to handle. If that makes any sense. Crying because of pure love for someone, is incredible. It makes you feel invincible and like there is no amount of pain that could ever hurt you again. Tonight I opened and read some of the wonders that this pot had inside. I was having an anxiety attack that was coming and reading those words made it go away. Not immediately, but slowly. It also worked because, looking at it, opening it, imagining the care that went into making it makes me incredibly happy. She absolute...

There's a current in my life, dragging me along to better times. Friends who corner me, and make me thrive on happiness. The rays of the sun, play with the tint of my shades and I can't stop the grin from forming, on my nude lips as I laugh. It's all about you, and the way you look at me. The way you remind my heart, that happiness isn't a crime. Driving through the green forests, with my hands out the window. I only see possibilities, and an embrace waiting at the finish line.

New year, better me. Out with the people I can't count on. In with the souls, that would do anything for me. Prayers to those who have passed from our family, and love to those who remain. I'm not perfect, I'm not even close. But I live with the intention of being kind. I might not always achieve it, but I will never stop striving. Because if I can't find kindness in my heart, what is there to build on? Some days I feel misplaced in this world, like I don't belong, that my passion is alien. I pray every day, that I find my place. Maybe this year, it will finally be my turn.

I feel an absence of words, in this moment of pain. The blog will be silent for a little while longer than I really expected. Hope to be back soon.

He places his hands, on her slender shoulders. Squeezes them gently. Rests his head on hers, breathing in her scent. Her hair is slightly damp. Noticing faint traces, of raspberry shampoo, he smiles. It is his favorite, because it feels like home. It's a scent he can never forget. Home is not where his heart is, but where she is. Her smile lights up his day, her laugh so light and happy,  that he finds himself laughing too. He met her on a random Tuesday. She was sitting in the library, tears of laughter resting on her cheeks. He knew right then, that he loved her. Nothing could be more real, than someone embracing her tears. He asked her name, she blushed but gave in to his request. Rose. Like the beautiful flower, she opened her petals to him. Glimpsing in to her personality,  he felt overwhelmed with joy. To find the perfect piece, to his complicated puzzle. Was more than he could have wished for.

The clothes still smelled like you, the scent that meant you had slept in them. A mix of unspoken dreams, and a warm embrace. I could feel myself leaning into it. Soaking in the hours in bed, that we had spent curled together. Entwined in a desperate prayer. I had this dream once, kids running between our legs. Laughter ringing through our house, but now all I have are clothes.

I'm a nomad. Living a life that's not entirely mine. I travel from place to place, putting pieces of myself, in faraway places. Hoping to find one that fits. I'm a nomad. I travel because it feels like a life, but when it ends, I'm not sure who I am. The frozen moments in time, are scattered and hard to collect. I'm a nomad. Suddenly "home" doesn't feel as bad, and I hope to find one that can be mine. The peace and stability, would put my heart at ease, and I could grow roots at last.

The butterflies above her head, remind her of fairies. She prays every night for wings. I have not the heart to tell her they're not real. I see her beautiful eyes, begging for an answer.  I catch myself, before a white lie escapes. It will only confuse her. She is five, an impressionable age. I want to protect her, from disappointments, the wonderful fantasies. She falls asleep, I hear her silent breaths, praying for the fairies to come. Even in dreams, she wishes to fly away. She is my family, and I treasure her. If I could magically grant her wishes, she would be taking flight. For now, I'll dream with her.

There is something inherently wonderful about life. It is right there, for your taking and you have the opportunity to shape it how you see fit. Life is also very precious and for the first time, in my life I believe, I see the world around me as a much more uplifting place. Sure, there are still awful things happening, as injustice, racism, war and discrimination. I however, have chosen to look at life in a different way at this point in my life. I do not claim to be an inventor of this, yet I think a lot of people today could benefit from seeing the words in "print", and reflect about their daily adventures on this wonderful planet of ours. It is far too easy to give up. Yes, I know this seems entirely contradictory because, existing without any hopes for the future seems much more "doable". Giving up and ceasing to exist would require you to take action, yet to me it is the ultimate betrayal of the people who hold you dear. Unless, you are an insufferable idi...

As the rain started pouring down outside his window so did the tears that finally escaped his eyes, salty water cascading down his cheeks, while his lungs felt heavy, making it hard to breathe. He had no idea why the tears were finally coming, but he was relieved. His heart had been heavy for months, until this very moment where he finally let go of the pain and revel in what had actually happened. His wife was sleeping in their bed peacefully, but he could just not find peace so he’d gotten up to walk around their room a bit, finally settling at the desk in front of the large window overlooking the garden. His eyes scanned the dimmed morning view, it was early in the am and he had hardly slept at all. His eyes wandered to the swing set at the far end, he felt the tears well up against him. His heart started beating faster as his breath caught in his throat. His pain turned angry, angry at the world, himself and that swing set. Rising from the desk he grabbed a sweatshirt and ...

Sitting there, she knew not what her fate had called her to do. She could feel it though, stirring within her. This ache, that felt like it would never subside or diminish. An ache that burned in her very core, almost convulsing within her with frustration. It was an ache for something that she did not yet understand. Who knew when she would, or if she would? All she DID know, was that it was there. It would spring up without warning and it would hurt. So much so, that tears would spring from her eyes without permission. Trickling down her reddened cheeks mercilessly. Tearing her heart into a million pieces. It was there, it was relentless and yet she knew that it was necessary. To force her. There was something she had to do - she wasn't ready for it - but a human heart can only take so much sadness before it starts to question the reason for its existence. When will the laughter return? When will the unencumbered joy return and splash its way through the chambers of your...

The day she wanted to arrive had finally come. For some reason, she didn't think she would feel the way she did. Nervous, anxious, excited. The morning breeze was playing with the wind chimes outside the bedroom window, and she felt strangely on edge. You see, she had accepted years ago that this day would never arrive, but as it inched closer, she felt strangely unprepared. As if this day was not supposed to happen to her. It was a strange thought, so she pushed it out of her head. "Don't you know the hardest part is over?" A voice asked in the dark of the room. She knew he was beside her, smiling that innocent smile of his that she fell in love with. Rolling unto her side and searching for his face in the morning glow, he reached a hand out to touch her face gently. "Just breathe... That's all you have to do. The rest will fall into place for you. You'll see." She would never understand how he could read her so well. She hadn't even spoken...

I don't know if I'm just a magnet for stupid drivers but I seem to encounter them extremely often these days. I've cut down on my usual swearing and annoyance because if won't change anything anyway. But when I get annoyed, I drive exactly as much as the speed limit says to annoy the person behind me, who is constantly up in my behind and pestering me. It's childish and immature, of course I know that, yet sometimes it just is what it is. To show them that the way they are driving could cause an accident if they didn't be more careful. I'd rather drive slow and have them overtake me, than let them pressure me into driving unsafely myself... I wanted to write more for this post, but... I've had so many things on my mind today. My dad had surgery for the second time and it went well. Thankfully. Now I feel I can finally calm down and get structured. He will have to recuperate for a while and then go home. I can't wait. He's been through enough ho...

So I reached the one week mark yesterday. Honestly I only remembered it right now. It feels like a million years ago. I don't know, I guess time has been moving painfully slow in some way. No idea if that's good or not, haha. Did some great cooking again today. Stuffed pork chops with potato crisp thingies and a good sauce. Plus salad on the side. We made some more cocoa buns as well, but this time we made it with chocolate milk. Still didn't taste sugary but more like an ordinary bun with a browner color. I think we need to make it much sweeter. Either add some sugar or make it into some kind of pastry. They taste great, don't get me wrong. Just not what you are expecting when putting chocolate milk into the batter. Seems like the more we try baking in the kitchen, it makes me want to try better dinner cooking as well. This evenings dinner was really great. Especially because we had the salad there as well. Helped with keeping the meal a little lighter. It was delici...