Ringgren

There are thoughts in my head that I cannot escape Thoughts that are slowly and surely making my head cave in I don't want to feel like this, like I am slipping back into the old pain. But I am. I am afraid. Afraid that I will lose myself to the old memories. Never let go of those, and never be in charge of my own life. Never accept that something has passed and new things take hold. Not able to let someone love me like they want to, for fear of being left behind. Because what if they let me believe in that love so deeply. Folding into an abyss that is vast. Like a blanket covering my eyes from the truth of what I have. I don't want to have these fears. Carry them around like a heavy backpack. Full of misery and pain. Stopping my growth and letting me fail all over again. This time, because of my own self. I am better than these thoughts, I am stronger. If I fall in too deep, that is because I want to. And I deserve to. It is all I can truly be anyway. ...

Quiet nights, stolen moments. Wondrous feelings I, spent a lifetime, chasing down the roads of imperfection. I put my arms, around your shoulders. Breathing in your light. Feel like I am finally losing, the grip on my unhappiness. You had your way, I found a lesson in your embrace. There's a lifetime of knowledge, and magic to your name. So I sway to the music, of your sweet voice. The soft tendrils of its tune, sings me to sleep. I am loved and enveloped, by your smile, thankfully I can stay here for a while.

I feel like I am trapped in the wrong life, begging to be heard and felt. Wondering why I never feel safe, amongst all the strife. What would it take, to keep me from self-destructing? Against the crashing waves of pain. Are they meant to be a fight, that is never-ending? I wonder why I have these feelings, that are constantly at war. With the image that You see, and the ones I can conjure while kneeling. I give myself up to despair, hoping that I will start to heal. When there are enough holes in me, that I can start to repair. Or maybe the holes in me will give way, t o the bright soul inside? Exploding into a wonder, of stars and music which makes you sway.

Love is out to get me, whether I want it to or not. It’s knocking on the door,  begging to be felt, a lot. I let myself be swept away, with a feeling of wonder. Just long enough to, be irritated with the thunder. The thunder in my head, that screams at me to get out instead.

Looking in, seeing wonders. Stars and gold flecks sparkle. Twinkles in your eyes. There's another world in there. A calmer one, that makes you smile. It reflects your love, knowing that you exist. Exhaling in one long breath. The warmth of your being, makes the room heat up. There is peace in this moment. A mirror, a representation of you. It is magic.

The thought of chasing Freedom forever, made him want to scream. His craving for her, was never ending. He would do anything. Just to see her teeth bared in a smile, would light up everything. He could not fathom the silence, that settled her nerves so easily. He could hear pins drop, and it was at times, deafening. Her mere presence was made of stars and gold, glittering in an endless space of wonder. Heart aflutter with passion and fear, fear that his love could disappear from his life. Becoming a mirage, dissolving in the desert of his pain. The golden and magic tendrils of her hair, spinning around his finger with ease. The sweet scent of her essence, filling every part of his being. There had never been anyone like her, in this life or the next. And she was his, not a possession, because one could not own such a creature. But her heart picked a slower pace, around him. A calm instilled in her in his presence. And as he cradled her in his arms that...

You are just like me. Waiting for a moment to, grasp the eternal sunshine. Embodying the loving embrace, of life in its purest form. You are just like me. The dark circles under your eyes, fade away as love warms you up. Can't you see how much you're like me. There is never a moment where, I take for granted the love that you give. But you just have to let go of your fear, and see that I am right here. You are just like me.

There's no other way to describe it, than with three little words. He saved me. Maybe not in the traditional sense, where he comes riding in on a white horse. But with a liberating and enlightening caress. He is not my knight in shining armour, not that I would want him to be. He is just a man. That relit a flame in my heart. A flame that has slumbered, through heartbreak, breakdowns and numbing pain. A flame that, once fanned, cannot be extinguished. It's a burning, blinding, engulfing passion. He doesn't know how much it meant, but he broke down the boundary. Saved my heart, in the kindest of ways.

They say I am no longer a girl, but I guess I would rather be a woman anyway. My heart grows bolder because I sink, deep into the wonder that is my future. Not knowing where the boundaries are, but feeling like I have a way of staying above. But it is no longer a question of sinking or floating, instead I believe that I am better. In the end I can't let my reputation precede me. Good or bad, I will not be a word of mouth. When I step into your world, you won't know what hit you.

Cheated and defeated. Unloved and frustrated. That is just a few of the things I experience. I don't know what to do with myself, in this moment. Scratching an itch, didn't help. All I wanted was his embrace and smile. The one that would calm me down and take away my fears. But here I am, cheated and defeated. Unloved and frustrated. Wondering if I will ever experience, even a fraction of what I am capable of, again.

If you ever want to be in love, I will be around. Just let me know. Give me a reason to call you back into my embrace. Confound me with your beauty. I just want to stay by your side. Be the loving presence you’ve always needed. The partner that understands your ins and outs. And treasures them all, as they were her own. Just let me know. Give me a reason to entwine my fingers with yours. Because the intimacy we share has momentous waves. It swallows us up and blends us together. Not knowing where you begin and I end. A mesh of wondrous magnificence. If you ever want to be in love, I will be around. Just let me know.

There is a mountain between me and the moment. Even though I am in it, it seems so far away. It is like an unreal fantasy. Capturing the time and whisks it away.  And there’s nothing I can do about the pain that might come. The incidents are occurring more and more often. Stealing mindful moments. Blank slates, being eaten alive by frustration. The wonder seems it has lost its power, over the many impulses of my being. I don’t see the escape in the future, nor do I see the magic in the now. I contemplate, what the point of the human condition is. Because there is only one thing that I desire, and it’s the feeling of contentment. Maybe I will never grasp happiness. Oh, what’s the point of worrying, when oblivion is settling in.

I don't know why, but I feel so alone some times. However, yesterday, I was reminded that I am in no way alone. And that I have people rooting for me. Amazing and wonderful people. Who will go out of their way to make me a pot of important things to remember. I got one such pot yesterday. I basically knew what it was before she had fully given it to me. And I started sobbing immediately. I knew what it was, what it meant and the love was almost too much for me to handle. If that makes any sense. Crying because of pure love for someone, is incredible. It makes you feel invincible and like there is no amount of pain that could ever hurt you again. Tonight I opened and read some of the wonders that this pot had inside. I was having an anxiety attack that was coming and reading those words made it go away. Not immediately, but slowly. It also worked because, looking at it, opening it, imagining the care that went into making it makes me incredibly happy. She absolute...

I love the smell of flowers, and the way a soft fabric feels between my fingers. I love the flash of colours on fancy stationary, and the way that crystal clinks. I love the pitter patter of rain when I'm in bed, and the way that sun warms everything up. I love the freckles on my skin, and the way that my eyes focus. Because in all of these things, I find me, the person that I am and love.

I have delayed madness piling up, in a brain where I should be piling up success. I have thoughts of just not being here anymore, because it feels easier than worrying about life. I have promises in the future about happiness, and they seem unattainable and so far away. But it is not far away, it is here right now. I am alive and breathing and I am perfect. I don't have to worry about what tomorrow brings, just live in the magnificent moment of now. Because I have my will to live on my side, and there is absolutely nothing that can cripple that. So I say come on life, and let me fight you, because there is love in my heart and light.

I'm not a part of this world right now, I'm trying to hide my heart. I'm not a part of this game anymore, I'm trying to forget my pain. I'm not a part of this life no more. I just want to disappear. My mind works against me, in a stressful manner. Painting pictures with a stick of dynamite, blasting its way through all of me. It's like a disease of imperfection, dancing around in the hollowed parts of me. I'm not a part of this story anymore. I am writing myself out. Instead I will be carving my own path. One where I will fill the days with light. Because that is my magic, my wonder, my ability to turn this into a fairytale. It doesn't require much, and I find the music so sweet. So, I will float into reality, and I will smile at you again.

I stand there, cold sweat on my lip. Wondering what I did in my life to be dismissed. Wondering, pondering, imagining what it would be like to disappear on the spot. What it would be like to have the power to forget what we did. How you made me feel. What I wouldn't give to forget all about the sensation of your lips on mine. The way you kissed the top of my head, like you truly cared for my heart.  Moments of bliss and wonder, that turn into a burning smolder.

The way your fingers run gently across my arm, makes my stomach tingle in a way that takes my breath away. You kiss the top of my head, and I feel I'm drowning in joy. Caressing my fingers, makes me feel alive. Yet the touch of your lips, makes me quiver with pleasure. It doesn't matter where, how long, why. I just tremble at the power your presence has. My soul tingles at the wonder of your smile, the gleam in your eyes that spell trouble. You look like you will eat me up. You twist me around your finger, wanting to be at your beck and call, and I find myself entranced. How long will this spell last on me? How long before I lose my mind? How long can I stay awake? I will let this slip through my fingers, because I can't hold on to a star so bright. She will burn right through me.

You make it look so easy, you make it look, like you're in love. How do you lie, with such ease? How do you turn my world around, with just one smile? You make it look so sweet, you make it look, like you're in love. Why do you perform, this charade of lies? How do you turn my world upside down, with just one kiss? It's just the pain speaking, wondering, hoping, that there is some truth left. Picking up the pieces, when you shatter them again. I just look towards the sunset, imagining your arms around me, breathing in the warmth of us. Knowing that, it will be a part, that I won't be able to play. I hope I can let you go eventually.

She stared at the words, for what seemed like an eternity. Trying to blink away the truth as her eyes scanned over something that absolutely was going to change her life. She didn't know if it was going to be for better or worse, but her heart betrayed her as it started beating faster. Words, they can convey so much and they can build you up, but they can also strip you of any dignity that you might be clinging to. They can tear away the last defence or they can build your wall even higher, making it more impenetrable, unscalable. What happens when not even your own thoughts can break through the monstrous barricade you've made? She struggles to rise from her seat, as her breath is becoming caught in her throat. The tears are falling from her eyes, and she still fails to recognise the reason for her reaction. Or maybe it is her willingness to stay unaware of what is affecting her? She moves from the chair, languish movements, as if she were struck with some form of stupef...