Ringgren

I don't know why, but I feel so alone some times. However, yesterday, I was reminded that I am in no way alone. And that I have people rooting for me. Amazing and wonderful people. Who will go out of their way to make me a pot of important things to remember. I got one such pot yesterday. I basically knew what it was before she had fully given it to me. And I started sobbing immediately. I knew what it was, what it meant and the love was almost too much for me to handle. If that makes any sense. Crying because of pure love for someone, is incredible. It makes you feel invincible and like there is no amount of pain that could ever hurt you again. Tonight I opened and read some of the wonders that this pot had inside. I was having an anxiety attack that was coming and reading those words made it go away. Not immediately, but slowly. It also worked because, looking at it, opening it, imagining the care that went into making it makes me incredibly happy. She absolute...

I love the smell of flowers, and the way a soft fabric feels between my fingers. I love the flash of colours on fancy stationary, and the way that crystal clinks. I love the pitter patter of rain when I'm in bed, and the way that sun warms everything up. I love the freckles on my skin, and the way that my eyes focus. Because in all of these things, I find me, the person that I am and love.

I have delayed madness piling up, in a brain where I should be piling up success. I have thoughts of just not being here anymore, because it feels easier than worrying about life. I have promises in the future about happiness, and they seem unattainable and so far away. But it is not far away, it is here right now. I am alive and breathing and I am perfect. I don't have to worry about what tomorrow brings, just live in the magnificent moment of now. Because I have my will to live on my side, and there is absolutely nothing that can cripple that. So I say come on life, and let me fight you, because there is love in my heart and light.

There is no pain that I can't endure any more. I am stronger than the thoughts that try to scare me. Because I have the grace of God on my side.

Brain is going a hundred miles a minute, makes me feel like I'm going crazy. It's a monster that I have lost control over, and it scares me indescribably so. There is no point in me ruining my head. Over something that is useless. I need to get my head checked for being, in a state of perpetual fear. I am afraid, of everything around me. Afraid of losing the life I have. But more than that, my future. I will prevail over this, this will not be my downfall. My mind is waging a war, but I will win every battle.

All the anxiety disappears as quickly as it appeared. The twist around my head starts loosening its grip. The breathing starts to calm down, this is just life, it is not a fight or flight moment. The nervousness flows out through my steady breaths. The feeling that lingers is only peace. Knowing that God has my heart accounted for, and His peace is everlasting. He guides and protects me on my journey, and He lingers in every choice that I make. Good or bad, He does not condemn, for it is his eternal Grace that has put us here. To embrace and give light, that is my purpose. In whatever medium I choose to express it, there it will bring the most change. No matter what my past has been, there is a way to release the pain of it. It can help define us, but it shall not be our essence. We are more than our mistakes. And even more important, we are not only our victories. There is so much more than winners and losers. The glory is not the hunt for perfection, ...

I'm not a part of this world right now, I'm trying to hide my heart. I'm not a part of this game anymore, I'm trying to forget my pain. I'm not a part of this life no more. I just want to disappear. My mind works against me, in a stressful manner. Painting pictures with a stick of dynamite, blasting its way through all of me. It's like a disease of imperfection, dancing around in the hollowed parts of me. I'm not a part of this story anymore. I am writing myself out. Instead I will be carving my own path. One where I will fill the days with light. Because that is my magic, my wonder, my ability to turn this into a fairytale. It doesn't require much, and I find the music so sweet. So, I will float into reality, and I will smile at you again.