Ringgren

Sunset over my heart, A falling star that does not shine. It is like I feel swallowed by the waters. Imagining myself drowning in fire. I want to yell, I want to scream. Demand to be saved. But I can ultimately only save myself.

There are thoughts in my head that I cannot escape Thoughts that are slowly and surely making my head cave in I don't want to feel like this, like I am slipping back into the old pain. But I am. I am afraid. Afraid that I will lose myself to the old memories. Never let go of those, and never be in charge of my own life. Never accept that something has passed and new things take hold. Not able to let someone love me like they want to, for fear of being left behind. Because what if they let me believe in that love so deeply. Folding into an abyss that is vast. Like a blanket covering my eyes from the truth of what I have. I don't want to have these fears. Carry them around like a heavy backpack. Full of misery and pain. Stopping my growth and letting me fail all over again. This time, because of my own self. I am better than these thoughts, I am stronger. If I fall in too deep, that is because I want to. And I deserve to. It is all I can truly be anyway.

Quiet nights, stolen moments. Wondrous feelings I, spent a lifetime, chasing down the roads of imperfection. I put my arms, around your shoulders. Breathing in your light. Feel like I am finally losing, the grip on my unhappiness. You had your way, I found a lesson in your embrace. There's a lifetime of knowledge, and magic to your name. So I sway to the music, of your sweet voice. The soft tendrils of its tune, sings me to sleep. I am loved and enveloped, by your smile, thankfully I can stay here for a while.

I feel like I am trapped in the wrong life, begging to be heard and felt. Wondering why I never feel safe, amongst all the strife. What would it take, to keep me from self-destructing? Against the crashing waves of pain. Are they meant to be a fight, that is never-ending? I wonder why I have these feelings, that are constantly at war. With the image that You see, and the ones I can conjure while kneeling. I give myself up to despair, hoping that I will start to heal. When there are enough holes in me, that I can start to repair. Or maybe the holes in me will give way, t o the bright soul inside? Exploding into a wonder, of stars and music which makes you sway.

Love is out to get me, whether I want it to or not. It’s knocking on the door,  begging to be felt, a lot. I let myself be swept away, with a feeling of wonder. Just long enough to, be irritated with the thunder. The thunder in my head, that screams at me to get out instead.

Looking in, seeing wonders. Stars and gold flecks sparkle. Twinkles in your eyes. There's another world in there. A calmer one, that makes you smile. It reflects your love, knowing that you exist. Exhaling in one long breath. The warmth of your being, makes the room heat up. There is peace in this moment. A mirror, a representation of you. It is magic.