Ringgren

It might be wrong, it might even be immoral. However, the point is, we just can't help ourselves. We know it's wrong, and the less than moral part too. The point is, we don't care about anyone else. As strange as it seems, we collided and sparks flew. You would think that, the guilt would consume the flames. So here we sit, sharing a coke and grinning. While knowing our better halves, are worrying. Paying the bill, then walking me to my car. You place a last kiss on my cheek, and you say goodbye. I know it will be the last words, the last embrace and kiss, and I have come to terms. You will always be my summer fling.

The clothes still smelled like you, the scent that meant you had slept in them. A mix of unspoken dreams, and a warm embrace. I could feel myself leaning into it. Soaking in the hours in bed, that we had spent curled together. Entwined in a desperate prayer. I had this dream once, kids running between our legs. Laughter ringing through our house, but now all I have are clothes.

I didn't think I would feel this way. Didn't think I would be able to. Expecting to never trust, then throwing caution to the wind. Just something I can't control. It might be a disaster, but I would rather feel pain, than another day of nothing. So, here I am, trying from the beginning.

If you can fail, and admit it. That is half the battle. Next time, just do better instead.

I feel unsure, I feel scared. I try to cover it, with smiles and a joke here and there. I fool no one, but myself. I worry that, it shows too easily. That I know not, where my path is. I am unsure and, it makes my brain, feel scattered and, I forget, myself.

We tried, we give it our all. We made the effort, we had the right intentions. We did the therapy, but our scars never healed. We didn't do anything wrong. We talked till the sun came up, danced around the emptiness, that grew ever larger. Our wishes were not granted. I hope you can forgive, me as well as yourself. All I ever wanted, was for you to be happy. I did everything in my power. I still love you as much as I did then, but some times love is not enough. We wanted different things, craved different lives. I don't resent you for it. I hope you can move on, and think of our love, as a triumphant chapter. Because you deserve, a transcendent happiness. I remember when, you slept in my bed for the first time. How you curled in the sheets, and pressed your eyes closed, at the invading sunlight. I remember the day, you said you loved me. How your lips curled, and you took my breath away. I will never forget your light. Our book has come

Do not dare lie to my face, for it will be our end. I gave you as much, of my heart as I could. Why is that not enough? Why do you insist on hiding, the part of you that I will not like. You deceive by keeping, your intentions from me. I am breaking in your hands. Why will you not love, even when it is staring, right at your face? All you had to do, was reach out and hold on. I served it on a silver platter, gave you my soul. I guess it was too much. I am sorry for giving you, a reason to run away. Now I am no longer whole, but I do not doubt, that love will find me again. The only thing I have to do, is believe. I will not mourn you, for you do not deserve, the tears I could spend. Just remember, that you once had it all.

The frost on the window, scattered into wonderful patterns. Winding curves and ice crystals bend the light. Breath caught on my lips, the cold turning it into fog.  Waiting in anticipation, for the winter snow to cover all. It resembles a new beginning, white blankets cancelling the past. Spring is for the fresh start, and I await it with joy. The trees regaining color, the leaves springing into action. Triumphant rose buds burst through, as elegant survivors of the winter. It is here that I remember, that seasons come and go. My love of such things, will never grow old.

I'm a nomad. Living a life that's not entirely mine. I travel from place to place, putting pieces of myself, in faraway places. Hoping to find one that fits. I'm a nomad. I travel because it feels like a life, but when it ends, I'm not sure who I am. The frozen moments in time, are scattered and hard to collect. I'm a nomad. Suddenly "home" doesn't feel as bad, and I hope to find one that can be mine. The peace and stability, would put my heart at ease, and I could grow roots at last.

He struck the match, against the dark box. The stench of gasoline  permeated the air, and he felt the darkness stir, while perusing the interior. The memories, almost a fantasy he couldn't recall, for he no longer felt a bond. The match burned, while he contemplated. He no longer felt human. As the match's flame withered, he discarded it in anger. Why had he hesitated, doing something, he knew was unavoidable. Surely he had the guts. Bringing out a second, he felt the warmth as the flame blossomed. His heart beat faster, and the gasoline stench had become intolerable. This was the end. He flung the burning match into the vast darkness of the living room. In seconds all he could see was a blinding white fury. Tears pressed in the corner of his eyes and he felt his insides starting to convulse. Backing out slowly, he watched as the flames engulfed the only place he'd called home. In his pocket a picture of Her, his tears ran fre

I don't trust myself with you. Your eyes give me a million reasons, to run as far away as I can. Yet your words try to win me over. I don't trust myself with you. If I gave in, you would consume me. Eat me raw and leave the remains. Since I never take the reigns. I don't trust myself with you. Because you speak of your past,  as if you are proud of the broken pieces. Your battle wounds, a prize. I don't trust myself with you. With one embrace, you could break my will. I would fall and splinter. I don't trust myself. Because in my heart, I love the way you used to be. Willing, to fall...for me.

The absolute power of words not spoken, can bring down even the strongest of men. You find the words take hold, despite the silence that accompanies it. He doesn't need to say anything, because you already know. The pain that exudes from his eyes, tells you everything he feels. It is not about right or wrong, or even the way he curls his smile. It is the power of being, the better part of someone when they fall short. When he finds his courage again, you hope that he will extend it to you. To be that light in your world, when everything casts shadows. When you try to give someone, a part of your soul. You know that, you're ready to believe again.

The dark cries rip across the sky, he cowers under the bridge in fear. They are close but have not found him. They take humans, use them.  He knows when the night goes dark, he needs to run for his shelter. They took Her last week. He didn't sleep for two days, his heart was broken. As he peers beyond the city's limits, he feels the helplessness fill him. Without Her, he is nothing. The purge began three years ago. Nobody knows why, but humans are endangered. A second wave, of painful screams flood his ears. He needs to move. The sky is clear and he runs for it. His shelter is close,  and it's all he has left. A half hour later he's inside. The scent of her still fills the room. He lies down on her bed. The blanket smells of lilies, and he manages a smile. Why didn't they take him? As he sits up, he grabs the gun he's been saving. He's decided. He will try and fight for her. S

The world around me marches on, while I wait patiently in my tower. One from which I can observe, but never join in. I see the curve of children's lips, expressing that they are happy. I wish I could embrace the laughter, as easily as they seem to do. My tower is dark and cold, yet I try to bring joy to it. A fire crackles gently in my fireplace, and I take in the warm flames. Now the snow is falling in blankets, and I curl into a ball on my bed. Tomorrow is my birthday, perhaps I'll be free by then.

The way the waves crash in the bay, makes my heart weary. I am afraid of the water, and its unpredictable nature. Just like he makes me feel. Unpredictable and unreliable. Maybe that is what keeps me coming back for more. I study the white foam lapping at the shore. I wish I could be swept away, in the timeless waters. Disappear in the breeze, as the summer rain cleanses. You let me down again, and I seem to only, be able to wish for more. I had a dream about you. That's why I'm standing here, hoping the water takes me away. I find it hard enough, to breathe when you're not here, haunting my dreams is crippling. I wade into the ocean, and dissolve into nothing.

The ties you make in life are important to your growth. However, if it is no longer inspiring positivity, make sure to untie yourself from that connection. It will only hold you back if you let it.

The window to the terrace is open to let the breeze fill my room. The melodious Sam Smith, is filling me with wanting feelings. His voice so tangible with pain, that I feel breathless. I can't feel my fingers, as they grip my sheets in anger. Feeling overwhelmed. The pressure in my head, is threatening to kill my sanity. Don't let this be the end. The moon is gleaming patiently, over the sleeping city. Tomorrow is another day, filled with longing looks and sighs. Wanting to give you that missing piece, the one you've waited for. Please don't break my heart, it's fragile and it's yours. I don't trust myself enough, to stop me from falling. All it takes is a breath from your lips, and I crumble, down, down down. I want to lay with you in the sand, entwining my legs with yours. Breathe that warm scent of skin, that only the July sun can bring. My feelings are not yours to take, but mine to give. I am fragile.

The butterflies above her head, remind her of fairies. She prays every night for wings. I have not the heart to tell her they're not real. I see her beautiful eyes, begging for an answer.  I catch myself, before a white lie escapes. It will only confuse her. She is five, an impressionable age. I want to protect her, from disappointments, the wonderful fantasies. She falls asleep, I hear her silent breaths, praying for the fairies to come. Even in dreams, she wishes to fly away. She is my family, and I treasure her. If I could magically grant her wishes, she would be taking flight. For now, I'll dream with her.

I didn't find an answer to your question. I wish I could give you the truth, if it could spill easily from my soul. But it won't. I don't work that way. The walls of the chambers of my heart are not easily affected. They are tough, hardened, from continual abuse. The walls protect my essence. What there's left of it. I treasure those last pieces and I cannot let them be compromised. I wish I could give you an honest answer. I hope you will wait for it. I cannot promise it will be quickly, or without work. But I feel confident in saying, that it will be worth it. Remember when you looked into my eyes last summer and told me you loved me? That moment is in there, held in a special place where the sun shines as it did on that day. You didn't expect anything in return. Patience, something I've always felt I was lacking, has come to me in spades since I met you. I will fight for this. **fictional piece**

Surface. You blinded me. A shiny portal, into your lies. It felt safe and real. I was not the first, I would never be the last. You need to manipulate, to forget about your past. Patience will be my fortitude.

Downing another shot, drowning another dream. Her mind spinning circles,  of tales once forgotten. Angry screams, her spine shivers with fear. Because there once was a man, who whispered lies into her ear. Ripping into her soul, the nightmares keep coming. Sheets soaking wet, but she's supposed to be safe here. Rising from the torment, she moves around in a daze. Sipping that third drink,  while the enemy is in her head. The sweet release of morning, she sees the sunrise coming. The horizon a golden promise, of nightmares soon forgotten.

I am at war with the breath, caught in my throat. Refusing to release me, from the painful realization. The war rages while I calm my heart, testing if I still manage to feel. The soft drum, instills a silence in the room. With controlled movement, he moves past me in the hall. I forget my purpose, because I am a stranger. I am at war, and the battlefield is here. The weapons are words, spoken in tempered anger. As the tears will themselves, out of my darkened eyes. I retreat with bowed head. I was...at war, now I've lost.

It becomes clear, that the light is my friend. Bringing with it memories of summers spent in shallow water. Sun engulfing my skin, heating it up. Freckles sprinkled across my features, tanned spots of summer. I revel in the water lapping at my feet, caressing my toes with cool waves of blue. The air is lighter than I remember, and the possibilities are endless. Birds in the distance, kids walking with dripping ice cream cones. I know that summer is fleeting, yet it seems never ending in this moment. The memories crashing into me, like the ocean used to.

There are moments, when your words are stolen from you. Times, where words fail to impact on the situation at hand. Instances where words, can be the only weapon available. Opportunities where words are the cure.

In the midst of it all, there I am. Staring blankly out, at the mist covered garden. The poppies are burdened with morning dew, and the trees sway silently in the wind. I feel far away, yet I am as close to the wound as I can be. Beside me I feel a vacuum, an empty space where you used to be. The pain is ever as fresh. though my scar has healed. I do not think I shall ever, know the peace of rain again.

You smile at me as I stumble to bed, I have had too much to drink. You find me adorable, as I try to settle under the covers. Your laugh calms my racing heartbeat, I know you will take care of me. Even when I deserve, whatever I am putting myself through.

A fog bank, a lonely road. High beams trying, to break up the mist. I am scared, of my own clouds. They terrify my mind.

I gave in to the passion, burning from the inside. I felt I was losing my footing. It came over me, like a storm I could not anticipate. It struck my heart with fear, for there was no backing out. Once embraced, the love flows through you unrelenting. A love I would never turn away. The mere thought of, letting you leave my heart. Is as impossible, as you compromising your kindness. I will protect it at all costs. So, as you sit there, in your dressing gown sipping tea. I feel my heart swell with love, as you look at me. You smile, I fall deeper.

There is something inherently wonderful about life. It is right there, for your taking and you have the opportunity to shape it how you see fit. Life is also very precious and for the first time, in my life I believe, I see the world around me as a much more uplifting place. Sure, there are still awful things happening, as injustice, racism, war and discrimination. I however, have chosen to look at life in a different way at this point in my life. I do not claim to be an inventor of this, yet I think a lot of people today could benefit from seeing the words in "print", and reflect about their daily adventures on this wonderful planet of ours. It is far too easy to give up. Yes, I know this seems entirely contradictory because, existing without any hopes for the future seems much more "doable". Giving up and ceasing to exist would require you to take action, yet to me it is the ultimate betrayal of the people who hold you dear. Unless, you are an insufferable idi

Can't seem to care about you like I want to. We are no longer. It doesn't hurt. I worry I have lost my sensibilities. My empathy, my love. All that seems to be left is sadness. A deep dark hole that mocks you, leaves  you breathless. Love is never jealous.

When I am silent, that is when you should fear me the most. Though I betray myself by giving in too easily. If by some miracle the loaded gun in my hand should fail to fire, rest assured, I will embrace the sign. My hands tremble. My heart races. *bang*

Friendship... We all need people in our lives to depend on and to keep us sane. Sometimes the journey towards friendship and the breakup of one, can leave you very disillusioned. Here's my recent experience. You become friends, hang out and talk about anything you feel like. Because you have THAT kind of friendship. You share many of life's ups and downs. You go on vacations together. You support each other through breakups and good times. Understanding that not everything can be amazing and wonderful. You have issues once in a while, as with most close knit relationships, but figure it out in the end. So, when the friendship turns sour, without you realizing it, how do you mourn it when you accept that it's over? My feelings are hurt, I'm saddened by the disrespect I've been shown. Even if the friendship isn't what it was, it surprises me that many many years of companionship is downsized to a four or five sentence text. When you've explained to that person

Here's two pictures for you guys. My actual x-rays from when I was brought in to the clinic and got my shoulder put back into place! The body is such an amazing instrument. To think, they can pop your shoulder back in like that. Petty flippin' awesome. First here's one where my shoulder is clearly not where it should be. And then, with a little tug and pull. This next thing happened. Simply amazing!!! Stay safe. 

For lack of updates. On my Christmas vacation I was in Italy, doing some snowboarding. Unfortunately I crashed and dislocated my shoulder. Which for over two weeks have prevented me from using both hands to type. I've spent that time, nursing myself back to health and I'm finally able to take my arm out of my sling for an hour at a time. It's slowly getting better and I'm also doing physical therapy. I am taking notes once in a while and I will be posting some thoughts on the new year and the one that has passed. Till then, stay safe. Lots of love, Ringgren