Ringgren

When I told you not to call anymore, it was not a suggestion, it was an order. You seemed to forget all the horrors, that you inflicted on me. Too bad, that I don't forget, even though I have forgiven. Your face when I told you to go, was my vindication. It reaffirmed that I had changed, and my strength had taken hold. I don't think you expected, that I could finally fight back. The tears did not mean that you had won, they were a testament to, what I had forgiven and let go of. The anxious nights and the fear. The absolute paralyzing jealousy, when you once again lied to my face. I still do not understand, why you wanted to hurt me. All I ever did was love, a man that did not have a soul. You can't change a Devil, posing as an Angel. To this day, I struggle with the why's. Why you pushed me to the edge, why you acknowledged you were bad for me, and still kept pressuring for more. I guess, I learned the grea

Stand by a river, and look at the water flowing past you. Does it seem like it has a purpose? Take a stand at a fork in the road, and try to remember why you chose the paths you did. Forgive yourself for the frustrations and long nights crying in your bed worried you will never be happy. These moments matter, because they shape, form and structure the YOU that you are now. It might not make sense the moment it is happening but I promise you it will some day. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not a week from now. Maybe it won't register until you're quite a few years down the road. But...when it comes, you will see the magic.

I don't find forgiveness easy. Forgiving myself, is the hardest.

Following the right path, is as easy as, trying to tie my shoelace, when I'm drunk. There's no map, no signs, that will guide me. It's a trial and error, that leaves me stumbling. But I'm not drunk, not even close, I wish I hadn't sworn it off, it could help right now.

Stop the thoughts that invade, because they will not lead to good. It is a painful realization that you are, not good for the heart within me. It wants to beat for you, so strongly that I'm afraid, that everyone can hear it. It has a voice of its own. No one can silence what feels right, but I just hope it won't hurt anyone. Because it is a struggle to be kind, good and true, when all I want is to look at you. My heart is a traitor that knows, the damage it is doing. My soul is just praying for, the strength to live through the thoughts.

I took this trip, to remind myself, why I am breathing. I left you behind, to remind myself, that I don't need you. I lived this adventure, to remind myself, that I am strong. I came back, to remind myself, that I don't have to run.

I am slowly losing my mind, wading into the deep abyss.