Ringgren

I'm seeing the flowers, like it's the first time. Their colours make my, eyes fill up with joy. Spilling over the edges. Trying to understand how. beautiful the world is. The wonder of laughter, a child can give so abundantly. A hug when they sense it is needed. It can mend even the worst days. As long as you have their love, nothing can destroy that safety, no matter how much madness there is. The world might feel cold at times, but when the chips are down, the brave ones take point. They give you a sense of normalcy. And that life will be better, and soon. Because we are inherently not selfish. I have never experienced it in times of need. I am but a single human in a sea of them, but I believe in leading by example. That is the most important thing, I have gathered from my time on this earth. Kindness is always a better choice, no matter the circumstances. World, you will not get me down.

I don't know why, but I feel so alone some times. However, yesterday, I was reminded that I am in no way alone. And that I have people rooting for me. Amazing and wonderful people. Who will go out of their way to make me a pot of important things to remember. I got one such pot yesterday. I basically knew what it was before she had fully given it to me. And I started sobbing immediately. I knew what it was, what it meant and the love was almost too much for me to handle. If that makes any sense. Crying because of pure love for someone, is incredible. It makes you feel invincible and like there is no amount of pain that could ever hurt you again. Tonight I opened and read some of the wonders that this pot had inside. I was having an anxiety attack that was coming and reading those words made it go away. Not immediately, but slowly. It also worked because, looking at it, opening it, imagining the care that went into making it makes me incredibly happy. She absolute

I love the smell of flowers, and the way a soft fabric feels between my fingers. I love the flash of colours on fancy stationary, and the way that crystal clinks. I love the pitter patter of rain when I'm in bed, and the way that sun warms everything up. I love the freckles on my skin, and the way that my eyes focus. Because in all of these things, I find me, the person that I am and love.

I have delayed madness piling up, in a brain where I should be piling up success. I have thoughts of just not being here anymore, because it feels easier than worrying about life. I have promises in the future about happiness, and they seem unattainable and so far away. But it is not far away, it is here right now. I am alive and breathing and I am perfect. I don't have to worry about what tomorrow brings, just live in the magnificent moment of now. Because I have my will to live on my side, and there is absolutely nothing that can cripple that. So I say come on life, and let me fight you, because there is love in my heart and light.

There is no pain that I can't endure any more. I am stronger than the thoughts that try to scare me. Because I have the grace of God on my side.

Brain is going a hundred miles a minute, makes me feel like I'm going crazy. It's a monster that I have lost control over, and it scares me indescribably so. There is no point in me ruining my head. Over something that is useless. I need to get my head checked for being, in a state of perpetual fear. I am afraid, of everything around me. Afraid of losing the life I have. But more than that, my future. I will prevail over this, this will not be my downfall. My mind is waging a war, but I will win every battle.

All the anxiety disappears as quickly as it appeared. The twist around my head starts loosening its grip. The breathing starts to calm down, this is just life, it is not a fight or flight moment. The nervousness flows out through my steady breaths. The feeling that lingers is only peace. Knowing that God has my heart accounted for, and His peace is everlasting. He guides and protects me on my journey, and He lingers in every choice that I make. Good or bad, He does not condemn, for it is his eternal Grace that has put us here. To embrace and give light, that is my purpose. In whatever medium I choose to express it, there it will bring the most change. No matter what my past has been, there is a way to release the pain of it. It can help define us, but it shall not be our essence. We are more than our mistakes. And even more important, we are not only our victories. There is so much more than winners and losers. The glory is not the hunt for perfection,

I'm not a part of this world right now, I'm trying to hide my heart. I'm not a part of this game anymore, I'm trying to forget my pain. I'm not a part of this life no more. I just want to disappear. My mind works against me, in a stressful manner. Painting pictures with a stick of dynamite, blasting its way through all of me. It's like a disease of imperfection, dancing around in the hollowed parts of me. I'm not a part of this story anymore. I am writing myself out. Instead I will be carving my own path. One where I will fill the days with light. Because that is my magic, my wonder, my ability to turn this into a fairytale. It doesn't require much, and I find the music so sweet. So, I will float into reality, and I will smile at you again.

I stand there, cold sweat on my lip. Wondering what I did in my life to be dismissed. Wondering, pondering, imagining what it would be like to disappear on the spot. What it would be like to have the power to forget what we did. How you made me feel. What I wouldn't give to forget all about the sensation of your lips on mine. The way you kissed the top of my head, like you truly cared for my heart.  Moments of bliss and wonder, that turn into a burning smolder.

The way your fingers run gently across my arm, makes my stomach tingle in a way that takes my breath away. You kiss the top of my head, and I feel I'm drowning in joy. Caressing my fingers, makes me feel alive. Yet the touch of your lips, makes me quiver with pleasure. It doesn't matter where, how long, why. I just tremble at the power your presence has. My soul tingles at the wonder of your smile, the gleam in your eyes that spell trouble. You look like you will eat me up. You twist me around your finger, wanting to be at your beck and call, and I find myself entranced. How long will this spell last on me? How long before I lose my mind? How long can I stay awake? I will let this slip through my fingers, because I can't hold on to a star so bright. She will burn right through me.

You make it look so easy, you make it look, like you're in love. How do you lie, with such ease? How do you turn my world around, with just one smile? You make it look so sweet, you make it look, like you're in love. Why do you perform, this charade of lies? How do you turn my world upside down, with just one kiss? It's just the pain speaking, wondering, hoping, that there is some truth left. Picking up the pieces, when you shatter them again. I just look towards the sunset, imagining your arms around me, breathing in the warmth of us. Knowing that, it will be a part, that I won't be able to play. I hope I can let you go eventually.

She stared at the words, for what seemed like an eternity. Trying to blink away the truth as her eyes scanned over something that absolutely was going to change her life. She didn't know if it was going to be for better or worse, but her heart betrayed her as it started beating faster. Words, they can convey so much and they can build you up, but they can also strip you of any dignity that you might be clinging to. They can tear away the last defence or they can build your wall even higher, making it more impenetrable, unscalable. What happens when not even your own thoughts can break through the monstrous barricade you've made? She struggles to rise from her seat, as her breath is becoming caught in her throat. The tears are falling from her eyes, and she still fails to recognise the reason for her reaction. Or maybe it is her willingness to stay unaware of what is affecting her? She moves from the chair, languish movements, as if she were struck with some form of stupef

She sees the sunset, and the colours that explode, like magic on a whiteboard, warmth and life seems to emanate. And the strings of nature, are playing her a sonnet. The wind vibrating with life, playing with her long auburn hair. The last rays of sun, dance around her freckles, speaking of times to come, times where she will find love. She lays down in the tall grass, staring at the still blue sky, wondering if he is staring, at the same and why. Is he dreaming of her? Wishing for her to discover, his heart beating in the midst, of all the noise. She closes her eyes. Letting the waning heat wash over her. She feels free. Anything is possible, and her path is still not decided. So she will love her life, even if it's not always easy. In the end, he will still love her. For the struggles and the scars, she's fought and overcome. Because she is herself and no one else.

It's not the way you used to touch me, it's the way, you've given up. It's not the way you kissed me, it's the certainty, that it's not enough. You play your games, around my heart, and I'm back at the start. Trying to push and pull, and you're refusing, to even let it move. Back or forth, it's the same pain. Especially when it is in vain. I'm giving in. I've had enough. So, stop loving me, even if it's tough. Because you can love someone new, just as well as I can do. So, let me leave and move on, and I can start listening to another song.

Can't you just imagine the look I'd give you if you touched, that piece where all my darkest moments have been kept in silence. I wonder what the release would feel like, and if it would explode? Burst into a million bright coloured sparkles that make you smile. Even if they are the worst parts of me, releasing them would give me the courage to smile back at you. I've seen the way you light up at my grin, and all I really want is to see that face again. So, come with me and break into that dark chamber, forgive my hardest choices and I'll forgive yours. Because it's not about our past mistakes, but our future compromises that melts and breaks down any wall. Mine have been built over the years and the concrete, seems hardened to the point of being impenetrable. But I know, I just know, your smile could make them crumble.

There's a current in my life, dragging me along to better times. Friends who corner me, and make me thrive on happiness. The rays of the sun, play with the tint of my shades and I can't stop the grin from forming, on my nude lips as I laugh. It's all about you, and the way you look at me. The way you remind my heart, that happiness isn't a crime. Driving through the green forests, with my hands out the window. I only see possibilities, and an embrace waiting at the finish line.

New year, better me. Out with the people I can't count on. In with the souls, that would do anything for me. Prayers to those who have passed from our family, and love to those who remain. I'm not perfect, I'm not even close. But I live with the intention of being kind. I might not always achieve it, but I will never stop striving. Because if I can't find kindness in my heart, what is there to build on? Some days I feel misplaced in this world, like I don't belong, that my passion is alien. I pray every day, that I find my place. Maybe this year, it will finally be my turn.