Posts

Showing posts from 2015

Pause

I feel an absence of words, in this moment of pain. The blog will be silent for a little while longer than I really expected. Hope to be back soon.

Dust

I don't understand, why it still hurts. As if the memories, keep making it worse. I see your face, and it makes me tremble, from a fear that stops my breath. I wish I knew how to let go and set myself free, but all people keep telling me, is to get my act together and see. "You should just be!" I think that's easier said than done. Because you don't see the harm. It's inside, where it's dark, and it's breaking my heart. One day, I just knew, it was over and through. I can't believe I got away from you. We didn't fight or scream, it was finally reality and not a dream. Every night since then, I've worried about trust. In family, in friends and me, and it feels like everything turned to dust.

Smile

The way he stares, gives me chills. His mouth lingers, above my lips. It would be so easy, to steal the last inch. The wine I had, makes my heart race. He seems unaffected, by my catching breath. His eyes flutter closed, and we connect. The urgency in his movement, makes me feel invincible. His fingers explore, corners and curves. I wonder if, he knows I'm in love. I try not to think about, the feel of the wall behind me. Only his frame against mine, and how it makes me feel whole. I open my eyes, and take in his soul. I never thought, I would be so lucky. To meet a man, who could make me happy. And fill a void, I didn't know was empty. The touch of his lips, makes me quiver. It's like he pulled, on the perfect lever. Filling my heart, with a feeling of forever. He let's go, and my heart stops. He whispers, just three words. The world starts spinning, and I'm standing there grinning. "I love you too", and h

Pretend

My feet, can't find the beat. Your eyes, tell me lies. The dance floor, begs for more. I just want to leave. The song, moves along. Your hands, are in my pants. The dance floor, begs for more. I just want to leave. ---- Why do we do this? Why are we here? I don't want to pretend. ---- The drink, thrown in the sink. My smile, gone for a while. The dance floor, begs for more. I am going to leave. ---- Why do we do this? Why are we here? I don't want to pretend. ----

Search

Here in the cold, I feel your sadness. I remember your face, when I told you it was over. You try to say, we can work it out, but I know you don't even believe it. But, honey, you'll be fine. You'll find happiness. I just know it can't be with me. I don't know, if love can last forever. but I'll be searching for it, till the day I die. But, honey, you'll be fine. You'll find happiness. I just know it can't be with me. I hate saying goodbye, so I'll leave before you wake.

Vindicate

When I told you not to call anymore, it was not a suggestion, it was an order. You seemed to forget all the horrors, that you inflicted on me. Too bad, that I don't forget, even though I have forgiven. Your face when I told you to go, was my vindication. It reaffirmed that I had changed, and my strength had taken hold. I don't think you expected, that I could finally fight back. The tears did not mean that you had won, they were a testament to, what I had forgiven and let go of. The anxious nights and the fear. The absolute paralyzing jealousy, when you once again lied to my face. I still do not understand, why you wanted to hurt me. All I ever did was love, a man that did not have a soul. You can't change a Devil, posing as an Angel. To this day, I struggle with the why's. Why you pushed me to the edge, why you acknowledged you were bad for me, and still kept pressuring for more. I guess, I learned the grea

Magic

Stand by a river, and look at the water flowing past you. Does it seem like it has a purpose? Take a stand at a fork in the road, and try to remember why you chose the paths you did. Forgive yourself for the frustrations and long nights crying in your bed worried you will never be happy. These moments matter, because they shape, form and structure the YOU that you are now. It might not make sense the moment it is happening but I promise you it will some day. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not a week from now. Maybe it won't register until you're quite a few years down the road. But...when it comes, you will see the magic.

A quickie

I don't find forgiveness easy. Forgiving myself, is the hardest.

Follow

Following the right path, is as easy as, trying to tie my shoelace, when I'm drunk. There's no map, no signs, that will guide me. It's a trial and error, that leaves me stumbling. But I'm not drunk, not even close, I wish I hadn't sworn it off, it could help right now.

Invader

Stop the thoughts that invade, because they will not lead to good. It is a painful realization that you are, not good for the heart within me. It wants to beat for you, so strongly that I'm afraid, that everyone can hear it. It has a voice of its own. No one can silence what feels right, but I just hope it won't hurt anyone. Because it is a struggle to be kind, good and true, when all I want is to look at you. My heart is a traitor that knows, the damage it is doing. My soul is just praying for, the strength to live through the thoughts.

Reminder

I took this trip, to remind myself, why I am breathing. I left you behind, to remind myself, that I don't need you. I lived this adventure, to remind myself, that I am strong. I came back, to remind myself, that I don't have to run.

A quickie

I am slowly losing my mind, wading into the deep abyss.

Grace

It's the way the light falls, on my face when the sun sets. It's the way the rain falls, and the pain washes away. It's the way the peace fills, my entire soul. It is Your grace. It's the way I stumble, and how You pick me up. It's the way I call to You, and how You listen. It's the way I put my trust, in Your word. It is Your grace. Closer and closer I come, to the purest light of all. Guiding me with love, and securing my faith. For it is the greatest thing, a love that is without bounds. It is Your grace. In my darkest hours, Your light shines. For if it were not for You, my heart would be broken. Not just now, but eternally, yet here I am, whole. It is Your grace. Thankful I am, for the patience, and the never ending strength. For the wonder that is Your love, and the way it helps. I will spend my days, singing Your praise. It. Is. Your. Grace.

Liar

Lies lies lies, they hurt and destroy. Lives and relationships, marriages and friends. If you're not prepared, to live with the consequences. Refrain from telling, only the half truths. Don't label yourself, as someone you can't trust. Because when you really need it, no one will aid the liar.

Inescapable

The sweeping lull of childhood, passing into the combustible roar of adulthood. Seasons come and go in your life as well as in nature. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We are welcomed back into Earth. Situated in a universe full of "what if's". Other planets, other life? Why is it so important when we hardly know Earth at all? Death comes to us all, as much as human beings try to prevent the inevitable. I hear it all the time - in our hearts, minds, television commercials, work banter. We might not acknowledge the elephant in the room but that doesn't mean it's not there. Death is scary - unknown territory, and we as a race, are infamous for wanting to know how the world ticks. Now I am not saying there shouldn't ever be any new frontier to explore, because as with death our search for meaning is also inevitable. It is in our DNA. to conquer, explore, understand and ultimately to decide. Decide when we die, how we do it and where. So possessive of free will,

Everything

It is the word they mostly use, when they try to explain what life is all about. Everything. What is everything? Why do I not understand this term, as everyone else around me seems to do. Why do I question everything I see, instead of letting it speak to me? Why does everything, seem like it wants me to fail instead of endure? It is all these questions that keep me awake at night. Restless and uncomfortable, I wander through my dreams with no path in front of me. I stumble across the vines that crisscross through my landscapes. Vast and wonderful fields, or narrow forest filled treks. It does not matter which road I take, I end up at the same conclusion. What is everything? Who decides what everything is? Is there an everything for, every...one? Am I just meant to find my own way, and not what others might think my path should be? I have tried very hard to follow my own hopes and dreams and they have to this day always brought me more joy than following some preconceived idea of what o

You

I don't know if you notice the way I look at you. The way my eyes linger just a little longer than normal. The way you make me smile, in a way that I imagine is lighting my face up. I almost feel like bursting every time I see you, because all I want to say is how much your mere presence makes me feel at peace with the world. I've always felt out of touch before, like I was born in the wrong time, the wrong place. I used to feel so disconnected with the world - like I just didn't belong here. Until I met you... I wish I could just tell you what I feel inside, but I fear being hurt again. I fear being told I am not good enough. Not pretty enough...smart enough. I make due by pretending. Fake it till you make it, they say... I wonder if I will know when I make it? Will there be a difference? I know I am putting myself up for failure having all these thoughts, instead of just living the life I have in front of me. However, this is who I am and I have made my peace with it. I t

Shampoo

He places his hands, on her slender shoulders. Squeezes them gently. Rests his head on hers, breathing in her scent. Her hair is slightly damp. Noticing faint traces, of raspberry shampoo, he smiles. It is his favorite, because it feels like home. It's a scent he can never forget. Home is not where his heart is, but where she is. Her smile lights up his day, her laugh so light and happy,  that he finds himself laughing too. He met her on a random Tuesday. She was sitting in the library, tears of laughter resting on her cheeks. He knew right then, that he loved her. Nothing could be more real, than someone embracing her tears. He asked her name, she blushed but gave in to his request. Rose. Like the beautiful flower, she opened her petals to him. Glimpsing in to her personality,  he felt overwhelmed with joy. To find the perfect piece, to his complicated puzzle. Was more than he could have wished for.

Drops

Salty drops of pain, cascading down my face. Bitter memories, forcing them to fall. Wiping at them forcibly, an attempt at forgetting. It fails.

Presence

Sweeping mountains, breathtaking rivers. Flecks of golden fog, crowning the sleeping. Those rare moments, that make me aware, of how life can be, inherently beautiful.

Black

Black smiles, dark hearts. They grin, and revel. I shake, cower alone. Oceans collide, waves swallow. Lying down, embracing empty.

Lily

The lily you got me, is situated perfectly, in my beloved mint green vase. You bought the flower, knowing I needed its strength. Giving me a sense of purpose. Its white petals, striking an elegant pose. A contrast to my mess. We embrace warmly, and you kiss my hair. Nothing has ever seemed simpler.