Drowning out the silence
I'm not afraid of silence, but I've noticed a peculiar habit I've adopted. I have music running almost any time I fiddle around in my apartment. Be it making dinner, washing dishes, cleaning, surfing the web, while I shower. I don't know why, but I feel compelled to fill the silence whenever possible. It drives me nuts because, like I said, I don't fear silence, yet I drown it out.
I started not too long ago, a habit of falling asleep with my tv running. It calmed me to hear voices around me. However, tonight I realized that I am in fact going nuts because of the constant noise in my life. Even though I love the music I play, it's not giving me that sense of comfort it used to. Instead I try to forget that I'm lonely. I don't mean it in the sense that I don't see people on a regular basis. I have a job, which I appreciate. Great colleagues. At the end of the day though, they go home to families. Friends who live close by, neighbors they've probably known for years. While I, go home to an empty apartment, filled to the brim with noise. Even the silence as I lay here in my bed is almost deafening.
My biggest issue is the fact that I feel lost. In a way that I cannot properly explain. I am hoping I will be able to put my feelings into words, otherwise I might actually lose my marbles.
Like one of my favorite female characters in tv once said. "HALEY: Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected, really uncomfortable in my own skin, or kind of like I don't fit into this world. Like I was born at the wrong time and I don't belong."
I started not too long ago, a habit of falling asleep with my tv running. It calmed me to hear voices around me. However, tonight I realized that I am in fact going nuts because of the constant noise in my life. Even though I love the music I play, it's not giving me that sense of comfort it used to. Instead I try to forget that I'm lonely. I don't mean it in the sense that I don't see people on a regular basis. I have a job, which I appreciate. Great colleagues. At the end of the day though, they go home to families. Friends who live close by, neighbors they've probably known for years. While I, go home to an empty apartment, filled to the brim with noise. Even the silence as I lay here in my bed is almost deafening.
My biggest issue is the fact that I feel lost. In a way that I cannot properly explain. I am hoping I will be able to put my feelings into words, otherwise I might actually lose my marbles.
Like one of my favorite female characters in tv once said. "HALEY: Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected, really uncomfortable in my own skin, or kind of like I don't fit into this world. Like I was born at the wrong time and I don't belong."
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