Reflective
In my life so far, I have tried a lot of things. I have been insanely happy. Heartbroken. Felt accomplished. Travelled to great places. Disappointed in myself and tried my hardest to just live.
I feel like my life has been really great. Shown me a lot of paths and given me some of the greatest moments I could ever only dream of, and yet there are so many things I still want to accomplish, and things in my past I would rather forget. It's not that I have regrets per say, but there are things I wish I had been more vigil about. For example, when I was in college I was overcoming my insecurities because I had been bullied for all of elementary school and high school and all I wanted was to meet people and be social. I did all the wrong things. My brothers were skaters, wore baggy pants and it wasn't that I emulated them, I just put on the clothes and tried to hide myself as much as I could. I feel like I'm being a little confusing. I'll try and clarify my backstory.
When I was very young, in 1st and 2nd grade, I loved going to school. Did my homework, had fun with my friends and had two great guys that lived next door to me that I grew up with. I loved those guys, they were my best friends and I loved spending every minute I could with them. Those days were some of the greatest of my childhood. I felt safe, peaceful and like I was being myself. I distinctly remember one thing about my friendship with one of those guys. My mom and dad had gotten me a tape with "The Little Mermaid". Me and my friend would listen to it, while sitting in a cardboard box, pretending it was a ship... And what I remember most of all was the day when I had to say goodbye. We were moving away and my heart broke. I took my friend Jacob to my room and we sat for a while on the bed, small talking. Then we got under the covers and it was such an emotional moment. Or as emotional as you can get at that age. This was the end for us. At that moment I believed with all my heart that we would keep in touch and never forget each other. All though I have never forgotten him. I haven't seen him in many years. Which some times makes me a little sad. I had so much fun back then. I recently purchased the complete Calvin & Hobbes collection, and for some reason when reading those comics I can't help but think of my two best friends... Jacob and Lasse. I wish I could find a way to reconnect with them.
Then we moved, and I was miserable. I tried as hard as I could to fit in, but I was a newcomer at school, and since this was a very small island, I was the new person and I was not welcomed with open arms. Over the years the bullying escalated and escalated. If there was one day where they would forget I existed then that would be a happy day for me. I had one friend in my class, and we would sit together on the bus everyday, until one day (like you see in the movie montages where you do things together day in and day out and then one day it stops... Suddenly) well it happened to me, one day she just started walking past me when I had saved a seat for us. The others opinion had influenced her opinion of me. Sadly that's how most of my high school years were spent. Completely alone. Not until I came home to my little brothers did I have some kind of interaction, and my parents too of course.
From an outside perspective I had the things that people usually get teased with. I had red hair, very skinny, freckles, glasses... Sometimes I can't believe I survived that time, because I was positively miserable. If it hadn't been for the love of my cousin Lasse, my brothers, my parents I know I wouldn't be here right now writing this. Kids can be so cruel and they don't think about the impact their words have on someone. Being punched wasn't even the worst, it was the ridicule every day. I was also the brainy kid in class, and they all hated me for it. I know that my shyness eventually faded away with age as I came into my own body and my personality. But still to this day I don't know if people are being serious when they compliment me. It's just so damn hard to believe some times. Especially when growing up all you ever heard was that you were ugly and nobody would ever love you.
After that we moved to Ellon, Scotland for about a year. And it sure was a nice change of pace. Because I was from another country everybody wanted to get to know me. I met some really cool people there and one whom I still keep in touch with. I was much more outgoing and happy in Scotland than I had been in years and I dreaded the time where I would move back, but we eventually did. I was crushed, because I knew what I was coming back to. This time around I kept a really low profile and for the most part they all left me alone.
That's a little bit about my childhood, later I think I'll write about turning into adulthood and how college slowly changed me, for the better. Hope whoever reads this, will take away from it, that life is short and stepping on someone else to make yourself feel better is not okay. Those are my two cents, and I will forever be fighting for the underdog, the girl or guy that feel they can't stand up for themselves. Nobody did so for me, and I want to change that.
Love + Blessings
I feel like my life has been really great. Shown me a lot of paths and given me some of the greatest moments I could ever only dream of, and yet there are so many things I still want to accomplish, and things in my past I would rather forget. It's not that I have regrets per say, but there are things I wish I had been more vigil about. For example, when I was in college I was overcoming my insecurities because I had been bullied for all of elementary school and high school and all I wanted was to meet people and be social. I did all the wrong things. My brothers were skaters, wore baggy pants and it wasn't that I emulated them, I just put on the clothes and tried to hide myself as much as I could. I feel like I'm being a little confusing. I'll try and clarify my backstory.
When I was very young, in 1st and 2nd grade, I loved going to school. Did my homework, had fun with my friends and had two great guys that lived next door to me that I grew up with. I loved those guys, they were my best friends and I loved spending every minute I could with them. Those days were some of the greatest of my childhood. I felt safe, peaceful and like I was being myself. I distinctly remember one thing about my friendship with one of those guys. My mom and dad had gotten me a tape with "The Little Mermaid". Me and my friend would listen to it, while sitting in a cardboard box, pretending it was a ship... And what I remember most of all was the day when I had to say goodbye. We were moving away and my heart broke. I took my friend Jacob to my room and we sat for a while on the bed, small talking. Then we got under the covers and it was such an emotional moment. Or as emotional as you can get at that age. This was the end for us. At that moment I believed with all my heart that we would keep in touch and never forget each other. All though I have never forgotten him. I haven't seen him in many years. Which some times makes me a little sad. I had so much fun back then. I recently purchased the complete Calvin & Hobbes collection, and for some reason when reading those comics I can't help but think of my two best friends... Jacob and Lasse. I wish I could find a way to reconnect with them.
Then we moved, and I was miserable. I tried as hard as I could to fit in, but I was a newcomer at school, and since this was a very small island, I was the new person and I was not welcomed with open arms. Over the years the bullying escalated and escalated. If there was one day where they would forget I existed then that would be a happy day for me. I had one friend in my class, and we would sit together on the bus everyday, until one day (like you see in the movie montages where you do things together day in and day out and then one day it stops... Suddenly) well it happened to me, one day she just started walking past me when I had saved a seat for us. The others opinion had influenced her opinion of me. Sadly that's how most of my high school years were spent. Completely alone. Not until I came home to my little brothers did I have some kind of interaction, and my parents too of course.
From an outside perspective I had the things that people usually get teased with. I had red hair, very skinny, freckles, glasses... Sometimes I can't believe I survived that time, because I was positively miserable. If it hadn't been for the love of my cousin Lasse, my brothers, my parents I know I wouldn't be here right now writing this. Kids can be so cruel and they don't think about the impact their words have on someone. Being punched wasn't even the worst, it was the ridicule every day. I was also the brainy kid in class, and they all hated me for it. I know that my shyness eventually faded away with age as I came into my own body and my personality. But still to this day I don't know if people are being serious when they compliment me. It's just so damn hard to believe some times. Especially when growing up all you ever heard was that you were ugly and nobody would ever love you.
After that we moved to Ellon, Scotland for about a year. And it sure was a nice change of pace. Because I was from another country everybody wanted to get to know me. I met some really cool people there and one whom I still keep in touch with. I was much more outgoing and happy in Scotland than I had been in years and I dreaded the time where I would move back, but we eventually did. I was crushed, because I knew what I was coming back to. This time around I kept a really low profile and for the most part they all left me alone.
That's a little bit about my childhood, later I think I'll write about turning into adulthood and how college slowly changed me, for the better. Hope whoever reads this, will take away from it, that life is short and stepping on someone else to make yourself feel better is not okay. Those are my two cents, and I will forever be fighting for the underdog, the girl or guy that feel they can't stand up for themselves. Nobody did so for me, and I want to change that.
Love + Blessings
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