Growing up?
Is it growing up to realize that not everyone has your best interest at heart? Knowing that people will be your friends and then later the friendship might falter? Looking inside your heart and knowing that life will never be the same - it will always be full of changes and new things?
Not even if you tried could you stop your life from changing. Even if you were a hermit never coming outside or speaking to people, stuff would still happen that would make the day a little different than the last. I guess coming to terms with this fact makes it somehow easier to accept that things change. People disappear from your life or enter it. Nothing lasts forever, and why would you really want it to? Okay, except for some things like marrying the person you love, keeping that one friend who's always been by your side, there can be no growth if nothing ever changes. So embrace the changes. I for one know that changes are good things, if you treat them as such.
I decided long ago that I wanted to look more for the bright things in my life than look at the stuff that made me sad. Having and overcoming a depression made me realize that I made myself depressed. At one point I even liked being depressed because everything became much easier. I let everything go and pretended the world didn't exist. In the end this of course caused more trouble than it was worth and over the course of a couple of years I slowly found myself again and a purpose, something to do with myself.
For some reason yesterday I missed my Grandpa. Like for the first time in a few years, I felt an ache in the pit of my stomach, and I missed him so bad. I know he would've loved to see me, and how I am now. He always supported me and always knew the right thing to say. That man gave me some of the best laughs of my life, because he was always about spreading joy and looking on the bright side of things. I hope... no, I know that my joy for life stems from him and I treasure that so much.
I've never really "lost" people, to death. My closest family members are all still alive. The only one I was old enough to remember passing was my Grandfather, and it hurt. I remember my Dad giving me a tissue before going to church and I was like, "What do I need this for?". I was so determined not to be affected by his funeral. As soon as I stepped into the church and saw all the amazing people there, people whose lives he'd touched I felt an ache in my stomach, but also damn proud. He was a blessed man, and everyone there wanted to celebrate his memory.
My Grandfather was a part of a senior choir which sang in the church. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did when their voices filled that bright space. It was something otherworldly. Needless to say I did find a use for that tissue. When the service was over and we walked out of the church, everybody I passed had tears in their eyes. What a testament to my Grandfather, having not only his family but also friends shed tears for him. I've never really thought about it until I started writing this blog post, but I really want to aspire to be like him. I know that even my Dad feels the same way. My Dad loved my Grandfather (my mom's dad). I've only seen my Dad cry once or twice in my life, and one of those times was when he came into my room in the wee hours of the morning to tell me that my Grandfather had passed. It was a bittersweet moment really, because I knew how much pain he had been in with his leukemia. Blasted cancer...
In the end my Grandfather will always be with me, and even though I change and grow everyday he's right here with me. In this case, I don't care about growing up or growing old. We all have to do it, and it seems right. That we'll have our time on this earth and try to be who we are and have an impact, make a change. I know it's cheesy but I heard this quote on an Angel episode I watched a couple of days ago.
Angel: "If there is no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. 'cause that's all there is. What we do, now, today."
Love + Blessings
Not even if you tried could you stop your life from changing. Even if you were a hermit never coming outside or speaking to people, stuff would still happen that would make the day a little different than the last. I guess coming to terms with this fact makes it somehow easier to accept that things change. People disappear from your life or enter it. Nothing lasts forever, and why would you really want it to? Okay, except for some things like marrying the person you love, keeping that one friend who's always been by your side, there can be no growth if nothing ever changes. So embrace the changes. I for one know that changes are good things, if you treat them as such.
I decided long ago that I wanted to look more for the bright things in my life than look at the stuff that made me sad. Having and overcoming a depression made me realize that I made myself depressed. At one point I even liked being depressed because everything became much easier. I let everything go and pretended the world didn't exist. In the end this of course caused more trouble than it was worth and over the course of a couple of years I slowly found myself again and a purpose, something to do with myself.
For some reason yesterday I missed my Grandpa. Like for the first time in a few years, I felt an ache in the pit of my stomach, and I missed him so bad. I know he would've loved to see me, and how I am now. He always supported me and always knew the right thing to say. That man gave me some of the best laughs of my life, because he was always about spreading joy and looking on the bright side of things. I hope... no, I know that my joy for life stems from him and I treasure that so much.
I've never really "lost" people, to death. My closest family members are all still alive. The only one I was old enough to remember passing was my Grandfather, and it hurt. I remember my Dad giving me a tissue before going to church and I was like, "What do I need this for?". I was so determined not to be affected by his funeral. As soon as I stepped into the church and saw all the amazing people there, people whose lives he'd touched I felt an ache in my stomach, but also damn proud. He was a blessed man, and everyone there wanted to celebrate his memory.
My Grandfather was a part of a senior choir which sang in the church. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did when their voices filled that bright space. It was something otherworldly. Needless to say I did find a use for that tissue. When the service was over and we walked out of the church, everybody I passed had tears in their eyes. What a testament to my Grandfather, having not only his family but also friends shed tears for him. I've never really thought about it until I started writing this blog post, but I really want to aspire to be like him. I know that even my Dad feels the same way. My Dad loved my Grandfather (my mom's dad). I've only seen my Dad cry once or twice in my life, and one of those times was when he came into my room in the wee hours of the morning to tell me that my Grandfather had passed. It was a bittersweet moment really, because I knew how much pain he had been in with his leukemia. Blasted cancer...
In the end my Grandfather will always be with me, and even though I change and grow everyday he's right here with me. In this case, I don't care about growing up or growing old. We all have to do it, and it seems right. That we'll have our time on this earth and try to be who we are and have an impact, make a change. I know it's cheesy but I heard this quote on an Angel episode I watched a couple of days ago.
Angel: "If there is no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. 'cause that's all there is. What we do, now, today."
Love + Blessings
Comments
I miss her so much.